Pain
The truth of the sacrifice,
giving light to the takers, and the givers of plight.
Never conforming to the terrors of old,
forming the visions of the buried,
the deeds of the bold
Life drives on to the next, finding rules mass perplexed,
in the shadow of the mother's, vexed by a fading respect
Prescribed by the revived to the truth of the sane, in our youth,
sacrificed in vain as our fears form the stain
Cast off what is shown, the world was not grown of the timid and the lost
We united, and to the shelves our fears we tossed
Drove hard to survive and cultivate a society in which to thrive
And here we are, as the eons pass, like grains of sand swept off an overpass
Blown ahead by our will to live, as hard the course we take, we give
All the while, like a breath, adding to the world, growing old
then, withering sway as we flay to the ground and feed the future we sowed
cast in place of new blood to give gift to the world, one breath at a time
Time ticks like the shimmer of a sharpened blades licks,
turning courses made in pursuit of a softer shade of crimson now paid,
spilling upon the dry cracked Earth
Rebirth
Author notes
I was going more for visual here so it got pretty abstract. i hope this works good for your contest 
A contest entry
- let's stand outside the box for now by Junkyard.
700 points, ended July 23, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Fight for the Gold: Prewrites Unlimited #1 by amaranthine lover.
27500 points, ended August 28, 181 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Great!
But... really confusing! The imagery is well written, but I'm not quite sure what I'm looking at. I feel like I'm standing in front of a painting by Salvador Dali or Picasso, and you just wrote a poem based on the abstract painting. Another thing, the rhythm is so syncopated that this almost seems more like lyrics to a rap/rock song than something which would simply be read. It feels like it should be chanted or sung, which is perhaps why I liken it to rap (forgive me, I don't mean to insult you!).
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19.88 / 25
You are too wordy. If you were to omit at least half of the words, you'd have a better chance at keeping your reader's interest. I understand the impact you are trying to make, but sometimes less is more. You tell me everything. As a poet, you are supposed to show, not tell. Keep that in mind from now on when you write. -
Visual and abstract, an interesting rhyme scheme as well. I thought some of the lined just a tad too long for good flow throughout. Thank you for entering the "Fight for the Gold" contest it is appreciated. Best of luck to you..
Scott
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wonderful write...good luck in the contest
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This is really good. I love the imagery and the flow and i like the rhyming, it kind of reminds me of slam, its really good. And your view of our planet ans society evolving and revolving is very interesting and makes ppl think. I really enjoyed it. Great Job!
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The poem expresses a romantic realism in counting and detailing the cost of becoming, but does not despair that it is not worth it. The poetry is not metrical, but it has a driving beat that complements the content's intensity very nicely. I enjoy the end rhymes, and I was delighted by the intenal ones!
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Wow!
Intensely written & with much passion. This has many dimensions & levels to it. I'm going to reread! I love the flow, content & word choice. You most certainly managed nicely to make this vivid & abstract. All the best in the Contest Liz!
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Hmm.
A very interesting tale of how our planet evolved. Nice one.
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the diminishing
the new
all adds up
well done poet
thanks for the share
Darky
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It seems hopeful then so grim.. I think you did well here.
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Wow! A poem with a strong somber tone. Evocative. I particular was riveted by the imagery and emotional tone in Stanzas 3 and 4.
Pretty darn good somber write! (sometimes, things just gotta be taken seriously).
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