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riot and wonder

she's a flower child, a hippie girl,
eats funny mushrooms to see colors swirl.
she lives in a world filled with hate and regret,
so she hits the pipe to get high and forget.
she wants peace and love, hopes we'll all get along,
follows a pied piper and his siren song.
he calls her sunshine and says "get on the bus,
it's time to decide, are you a them or an us?"
she takes a last look at her colorless town,
jumps on that bus and sits herself down.
now she's livin' her life in crazed technicolor,
with folks who appreciate the riot and wonder.

Author notes

as always, i'm not too sure about this piece. this one in particular i think might need some real help. to me it's totally clear, but this one's been in my head a long time so my perception's undoubtedly skewed. what do you think? does it even make sense?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 5 of 5
  • goldfishboy
    July 30

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    it does

    yes this piece definitely makes sense. It seems to be about a hippy girl who turns to drugs because she has a depressing outlook on the world. I enjoyed reading the poem. good job


  • tarcus
    July 30

    Edit | Reply
    It makes absolute sense to those of us who lived the dream and I suspect those who wished to have lived the dream.
    Third line I would change lives to lived gives a meaning to what happened rather than why (does that make sense?)
    Who knows I forget the times I followed her path


  • kathrynguyrocks
    July 26

    Edit | Reply
    brilliant. i dont see how it couldnt make sense. simple but flawless. reminds me of the electric kool-aid acid test. if you haven't read it i recommend it.

    "now she's livin' her life in crazed technicolor,
    with folks who appreciate the riot and wonder."

    shit i liked that


  • Nosce te ipsum
    July 23
    Edit | Reply
    i completely loved this! totally makes sense!

    i really loved this line:

    it's time to decide, are you a them or an us?"

    because in the world we live in, unfortunately thats a decision that we have to make. to be one of the "them" or to be yourself. i loved this peice completely and i wouldnt change a thing!


  • Dreamer With Dreams silver member
    July 20
    Edit | Reply
    This totally makes sense to me!!! It's very clear and written pretty darn good. "are you a them or an us?" That line threw me off a bit. I had re-read a few times. You could consider changing it to " Are you with them or with us?" possibly. Great write! I thoroughly enjoyed it! Thanks for sharing! Keep penning!

    Safely hidden in the darkness,

    ~ The Rocker Who Lost All

1 - 5 of 5