I remember when you slipped from a hopeful hand,
and let the fault lines of my face take over my image,
while the particles inside dissolved into the dry air.
The only humidity came from the riverbeds
that were now flowing with life
underneath my eyes.
I remember when I let go of an eternity,
its golden gate was burning through the palm of my hand
and all the tiny buildings below shouted blasphemy
across an open sky.
(What have I done?)
On a clear night,
I remember walking through imaginary traffic.
The only one who found me was the tall streetlight
who told me of troubles, and hardships of love.
“The fatality of a mistake may cost a fortune
and by that I mean your bright forever.
The beauty you once knew will swing to the other side.”
it said with an illuminating voice.
Now here I stand,
lighting cigarettes like candles just to help me find my way,
with memories so lucid I could take a step and be there,
but moving backward may be traumatizing on a fragile soul.
Moving forward may be draining
when your feet are much too heavy.
A step at a time could save a life, you know.
A simple work of art could tug
on a lost and weary traveler
who can’t seem to find another home.
And who knows?
Maybe what I thought was an early ending
was really just my late beginning.
Author notes
July 17, 2009... This is about (of course) my lost love. The girl I was with for a year and eight months broke up with me and then begged to have me back. I didn't take her back, thinking I would try to hurt her like she hurt me. At first, I thought it was the worst mistake of my life. I couldn't stand it when she got a new girlfriend. Then again, I know I'll have to move on someday...
A contest entry
- Haunted by LOST LOVE by SteveS.
1700 points, ended July 22, 16 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
PLEASE be HONEST when commenting my writing. Tell me I SUCK, if that's what you think.
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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excellent
You have done a service to the poetry community with this poem. I really like it a lot. good luck in this contest I hope you have read some of the others in this contest and I hope that they read yours. I regret that I am slow in judging, I got many entries before I thought I would thank you for your patience.
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"it’s golden gate" ----> its golden gate
"your bright forever" ----> I think you meant 'you are bright forever' so therefore it's 'you're'
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OH! Thanks for correcting the first one. The second one is no mistake though. It's supposed to be like that.
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Ohhhhh ok I got it now, the future is the "bright forever"
Sorry about that.
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Opening stanza is rich and heavy. I advise any readers here to take that one in slowly with sincere contemplation. Very nice imagery. This write really is inspiring for many reasons, the beautiful personification of the streetlight, the phrase "walking through imaginary traffic", the first stanza metaphor and the overall raw emotion throughout spiced up nicely with insight and hopefullness at the end for a useful message. Well done poet and thank you for this entry
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I can feel the pain in this. I know the feeling very well. It's a great poem that many can relate to.
I especially liked "Now here I stand,
lighting cigarettes like candles just to help me find my way,
with memories so lucid I could take a step and be there,
but moving backward may be traumatizing on a fragile soul."
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omg! this is one of the best poems ive ever read. its filled with such emotion and imagination. its amazing. fantastic write
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Taken aback
Now here I stand,
lighting cigarettes like candles just to help me find my way,
with memories so lucid I could take a step and be there,
but moving backward may be traumatizing on a fragile soul.
This stood out the most for me. This is an amazing write, it has emotion, imagination and imageryto complete it. Kudos!
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“The fatality of a mistake may cost a fortune
and by that I mean your bright forever.
The beauty you once knew will swing to the other side.”
this is beautiful,
no suckage. :] you made my heart fly for a minute
and then drop. you did beautifully.♥
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most amazing! i love the image of walking the street lighting cigarettes just to light them. it seems lonely but its a beautiful picture with the streetlights around, speaking their story.
and i'm sure its just a late beginning. we have them from time to time =)
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wonderful
your words were true to feelings, telling a story to be enoyed by all. i loved it -
Wow this is a very interesting piece. I must say you certainly set the mood well and to be honest I was kind of relieved when I read your author notes because I though someone had actually died
I like the imagery of the street and the talking light post, I think it added a sincere effect to your poem which I think is the point!
Hang in there, because life does go on! Good write
Sincerely,
Toddy
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and all the tiny buildings below shouted blasphemy
across an open sky.
I don't have much constructive criticism,
I just especially love the line above -
Simply amazing
Simply and trulty a work of art here. I love this prose it is very touching and moving the part I like the most:
“The fatality of a mistake may cost a fortune
and by that I mean your bright forever.
The beauty you once knew will swing to the other side.”
I hope that is how my ex is feeling right now!! Oh how I hope!!! great job!
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this is actually really good. I like your imagery and personification. this has a lot of emotion and tells a great story. LOVE IT! ♥ ♥ ♥
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This is a little wordy and I had to read it twice to fully grasp it. That being said I really like this, it definitely speaks to me. It is full of imagery and a sense of loss. As the reader I can see that you are trying to move forward and use this experience, but you aren't exactly sure how to do that.
"The only humidity came from the riverbeds
that were now flowing with life
underneath my eyes."
This sentence completely shook me. Raw with emotion and truth, not afraid to cry over your loss.
Nice job, can't wait to read some more of your writing.
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