Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

What I Thought

Toe to toe, tongue to tongue,
I'm battling this!
I lose, fuck that,
I'm saddling this!
aw shit, I'm screwed,
I'd rather be bare knuckling fists
and get beat down, fucked up,
take shots, I'm drowning this
gimme a bottle of coolant,
I'm downing this!
I won't do it again,
I'd rather drown in piss,
get shot dead before
my next sentence
than hurt you again,
I wish I neva been kiss,
I know for sure
I'm livin sin, shit
how do I stop,
when will I quit?
Why is it that I
always make you cry tears
and depressed,
my end is nigh, near.

Author notes

I don't know if this is what you want, but I know it's raw emotion... It tears me appart when I think about times I've cheated on her...

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • adsaige
    July 17
    Edit | Reply
    Eh? Well not sure who this is about but all the best to you and/or her...


  • cricketjeff gold member
    July 17
    Edit | Reply
    First to review the poem, yes it certainly is raw emotion and a very interesting expression.

    Now to this contest, the call is for a feminine rhymed poem, your poem does have some rhyme, in a non-structured way, but all those I have seen are single syllable, masculine, rhymes. Feminine rhymes are pairs like "shooting/hooting" "running/stunning" "heated/cheated".
    You clearly have poetic talent and if you want to try again for a feminine rhymed verse I will be happy to consider it in this contest

    Jeff


    • Austere
      July 20

      Edit | Reply
      It would seem I misunderstood the idea of feminine rhyme...the syllable before the last being the focus of the rhyme scheme must be in the same word I take it? I guess I had thought the second to last words would work being the second to last syllables.


      • cricketjeff gold member
        July 21

        Edit | Reply
        The syllables can be in separate words, but there is slightly more to it than that.
        Rhyme works on stressed syllables so recess and success rhyme because the "cess" part of the words are stressed but happy and hippy do not because the first syllable is. Happy does though rhyme with snappy and chappy. Any syllables after the rhyming syllable need to be the same, happy does not rhyme with happen for instance.

        Looking though your poem the only word that calls for a feminine rhyme would be sentence, which would rhyme with repentance but not sixpence.

        Hope that helps


        • Austere
          July 21
          Edit | Reply
          the problem with all your explanations of feminine rhyme is this, the only difference between your examples of masculine rhyme and of feminine rhyme is masculine rhyme only has the same last syllable where feminine has the same last two syllables. There have to be other feminine rhymes where the last syllables are different, right? For example, Happy and snappy rhyme with the "ppy" sound...


          • cricketjeff gold member
            July 22
            Edit | Reply
            No, true feminine rhymes have the last syllable the same. The reason some words need to be "feminine rhymed" is to do with stress.

            If you listen to the way happy is pronounced the emphasis is on the first syllable:- HAppy, true rhyme matches from the final stressed vowel sound onward.
            In English most phrases end on a stressed syllable so rhymes match that syllable but the following for instance does not rhyme when said naturally

            I bought my love a golden ring
            For all her expertise at kissing

            But this does

            My love and I had something missing
            She had no expertise at kissing.


  • Ignis Corpus
    July 17
    Edit | Reply
    Everyone forgives Will. She'll forgive you. Just forgive yourself first.

1 - 7 of 7