Please forgive us,
for not understanding the vacant look in your eyes
when we stood before you as little girls -
spinning in our pretty new princess dresses
and asking you to slay the dragon and keep us safe in our castles...
We didn't realize your dragon was bigger,
than we could have ever imagined ours to be...
Please forgive us,
for mistaking your one word answers
from pursed lips, as "I don't care."
instead of "I wish I knew how to talk to you...
how do I talk to you..please...tell me how to talk to you?"
Please forgive us,
for throwing ourselves onto the floor in a fit of tears and heartbreak -
as we discovered the drawings
we worked so hard on for you at school for Father's day,
and lovingly taped to the refrigerator -
were covered up with war propaganda posters...
If we had known how to draw helicopters
blowing up people in jungles...
instead of stick figure Daddy's and their little girls
fishing together under blue skies,
with big billowy clouds and smiling yellow sun-shines...
we would have drawn those for you instead.
Please forgive us,
for not knowing that when you said
"I'm taking a nap...wake me at 4" you meant
"Stand at the foot of my bed and call my name until I wake up -
so that when you quietly walk to my side
and lovingly touch my shoulder unaware...
I don't immediately bolt upright
before your fingertips even touch the fabric of my t shirt,
grab your wrist and twist it behind your back
and reach for your throat with the other hand -
with a look in my eyes you will never forget."
Please forgive us,
for not knowing that when you said
"If he hurts you...Ill kill him"
while eyeballing the pistol on the top shelf of the closet...
You weren't trying to show off...
you were actually telling us you loved us more than life itself -
without actually having to say those words out loud...
Please forgive us,
for trying to figure out why...
every time we came home from a date or worked late -
You were sitting up watching 'Saving Private Ryan' or 'Heartbreak Ridge'...
and didn't bat an eye as we walked past and said goodnight...
but somehow knew we were home safe...
because the machine gun fire blasting from the television set
would be silenced...
the moment our bedroom lights turned out.
Please forgive us,
for growing up resentful of our friends
who's fathers went camping with them,
came to their track meets and talent shows
and hugged and kissed them goodnight -
......even in high school -
while we sat in AA meetings with ours,
where we eagerly awaited your turn to talk
so at least for 10 minutes a week
we got to hear about your life -
even if it was always the same story.
Please forgive us,
for feeling jealousy first...instead of joy -
when we watch our own little girls
lifted up into the air by our husbands,
as they walk in the door from a long day of work -
laughing and hugging and kissing cheeks...
We don't know what that feels like -
and we feel ashamed for being angry at you about it.
Please forgive us,
for having to send you funny Father's day
and Birthday cards every year....
We spend a month trying to find the perfect card for you -
but have to resort to the humor section...
because they don't make cards that say
"Dad...I don't know anything about you...
because you wont talk to me...please talk to me."
Please forgive us,
when we assume the silent stares
with fingers pressed against temples
and furrowed brows means
that you aren't happy watching your grandchildren play -
We didn't know that you were beating yourself up inside -
wishing you were able to remember
your own children being that happy when they were small...
Please forgive us,
when it takes us until we are standing at your bedside...
crying out "Daddy...I love you...I'm sorry..."
and watching silent tears roll down your cheeks,
as you take your last breath -
to realize you really are a Hero...
and we spend the rest of our lives
wondering if you heard us say so -
before you closed your eyes and died...
Author notes
My father passed away in January - he had finally come to see us at Thanksgiving and meet his grandchildren...after being absent from our lives for almost 9 years...he was here for 4 days and talked to me more in those 4 days than he had in 35 years of my life. New Years eve, he went into emergency surgery for an abdominal aneurysm - 9 days later, he died. My sister and I were by his side - I never got to tell him all of the things I wanted to say - but while he was visiting, he told me he was proud of me and that he was sorry for not knowing how to be a dad. We think he knew he was going to die - and he needed to fix the broken relationship between us before he gave in to death. They told us he should have died on the plane on the trip over - they were shocked he had traveled at all. But he was a Marine. A Vietnam Veteran - and he had one last mission to accomplish. He fixed it and made it right - and he died, with a smile on his face - (really) and I'm just sorry I never got to tell him he was my hero until it was too late.
There are not going to be any more Vietnam Veterans someday - but there is a whole generation of Vietnam Veterans children who feel cheated - I know I'm not alone. Are you one of them?
In memory of my father - Daniel Walker - US Marine - Hero.
A contest entry
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Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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The discernment...Exceptional
Jen,
I am married to a Viet Nam veteran. 37 years. I can't tell you how 'on spot' the description of its disorientation is for most, including your Father. Odd thing is...when someone is traveling to the other side, God whispers some eternal things into their ears. Whether it is accepted or not, that is His most desperate agenda.
"He does not purge His will
but always His desire through
the compelling thought-stream
of His Love through its wither..."
It is a miracle that resolving something undiscovered
is best when the end is near.
Great piece of self-discovery! Lord be with you!
Much, muchly, muchliest--adjectives in necessary ascending!
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Hooked and brought almost to tears, which is quite a feat, I'm rarely moved quite that much. This is extremely powerful. Well done.
What hell hath war wrought to do this to a family, and to your dad especially.
My dad was a conscientious objecter during the Vietnam War. My grandfather, his dad, ended up retiring a full colonol in the marines. It's likely only my grandfather's letter of support to my dad that kept him out of the Vietnam war.
One day when I was visiting him in the east coast, my grandfather gave me all his medals and ribbons from his time in the marines. It was a great honor to be given them and I think it's because I'm the only one in my family that did anything remotely close to the military. (I joined NJROTC for my sophomore year of high school.)
Well done, once again, this poem of yours is still affecting me.
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It's been far too long since I visited one of your poems, and I'm so very glad that I clicked on this in my favorites list. Heartwrenching, yet somehow heartwarming in places because your father was lucky enough to be able to make it right in the end.
I'm not into reading long poems, but you hooked me in with the first stanza, and carried me all the way through to the end on your heartfelt, emotional words.
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Jen, this made me cry. I mean, tears rolling down my cheeks. You're on my favs list because I'm always awestruck by your work, but this one is amazing. I think the raw emotion is captured so well. You've laid your life experiences out and any reader that comes across this piece is going to feel what you felt. I am truly sorry for the tragedy that inspired this piece, but I am thankful you chose to share it here.
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This is such a touching piece and my heart goes out to you. I am not a relegious person and have never suffered (thank god) the suffering of war. I cannot comprehend what you have gone through, but your words paint a picture so vivid.
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"so that when you quietly walk to my side
and lovingly touch my shoulder unaware...
I don't immediately bolt upright
before your fingertips even touch the fabric of my t shirt,
grab your wrist and twist it behind your back
and reach for your throat with the other hand -
with a look in my eyes you will never forget."
That one paragraph alone brought a lump to my throat; it was so vivid, and you wrote it SO well from a child's point of view; I was right there with you throughout this entire poem, reading along with you, feeling like I was the child in the story ....
What can I say; this cannot have any criqitue whatsoever, and I am happy for you that your father did manage to make amends - but sorry for the years you lost out on.
This is a masterpiece, and deserves many applauds, and many gold trophies. I think, if your other writings are like this one, I have just found a new author to add to my favourites list
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'semper fidelis' should be a family phrase, too.
a price is always paid for wars... only the spiritually blind can think the worst price to pay is death. I myself believe it's the children who pay the worst price.
honor to your father and honor to you, too. -
Courageous
As a Peacetime Marine, I did not have to fight your Fathers Peacetime demons either.
As his daughter, you have shown that courage runs in the family.
I salute you both and you all.
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Wow that poem is a very nice commemoration of your father. Although you didn't get to say everything you wanted too, as im sure you may still have unanswered questions im glad he said he was proud of you. Because i think it always makes little girls feel good when their daddies say that. Very good poem
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My heart weeps for you and the many who never had fathers by their side ...the Vietnam war was terrible mistake and many brave and decent men lost their lives and some their families through its trauma...The government washed its hands of what happened yet the administration had willed it in one of their sad power games and are still doing it today...yes it is the innocent children who suffer these vile chess games ...and love takes a dive ...so much hatred and death ...and for what ...no gain...but the beautiful hearts of those who believed what their country was saying ....I weep ...War is Evil
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This is absolutly priceless, Jen. You've written such a heartfelt piece and I know it must hurt in a special way to say the things you've said but didn't realize before.
Our Vietnam veterans were treated badly and I could never understand that. They were hero's just as the veterens of other wars have been.
I'm sure your father felt your heart when he visited you and as he was dieing. The last stanza says it all, brings it all home, for him and for yourself.
Dee
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i love it, the way you told you story had me nearly crying in some places, im glad you have found somone who can give your children the relationship you never had, well done on this, keep writing.
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Glad you and your dad were able to talk. I guess post war administrations would have preferred to tear this page from history books. Perhaps it is why many vets were treated like trash. War is man's ultimate crime, but as the fictitious Mr. X told Garrison in the JFK movie, it the basic principle of any society.
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I am stunned ...
You wrote society in such a heart-wrenching pen -- and absolutely true in its starkness and agonizing losses. But: you turned all into a gain: the knowing that in the spiritual realm all has been said ... long before it was too late.
Thank you so much for your visibility and awesome talent on this page. I so missed you.
Love
Myra
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