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My river of tears.


My river of tears floats by 
Trashing and turning every way.
crushing everything in its path
hopeing to hurt
like it had been hurt by you.
It had been beaten and broken
and loved you until it could love no more
you turned it away.
and you created a monster.

I am that river of tears.
and i want you more then life itself.
your love hurt me
abused me
you are the very esense of my beaing.
every tear in my river was over you
every wave that came crashing down
was the hurt and torment.
of knowing you didnt love me.
that i wasnt good enough for you.

And so my river of tears will float by
a reminder of the love you didnt have for me.
and the pain and hurt you caused.
I am that river.




A contest entry

i dont like it very much. do you?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments


  • SteveS gold member
    July 22

    Edit | Reply
    I like the overall impact and intention in this write. You could use some technical fine tuning, however. Forgive the number of suggestions: take the "s" off "floats" in first line. 2nd line..I'm not getting what "trashing" means there..do you mean "thrashing" Please take the "e"out of "hopeing" Line 11..change "then" to "than"...line 14 change "esense" to "essence"...no period after "torment" as the thought continues on the next line. I also am a big fan of consistently using a capital for the word "I". Stick an apostrophe in "didnt" in last stanza. Your words are really good, just focus on the little technical distractions so readers may enjoy your work that much more


  • WolfSuns gold member
    July 16
    Edit | Reply
    i really enjoyed this one. i know what its like to be that river, i hope your doing better.