The music plays
With it he sways
Across the moonlit floor
He calls me near
I tremble with fear
His call I couldn’t ignore
We danced all night
Our love took flight
Too wonderful this all seems
Soon day would call
I would lose it all
Goodnight sweet, tender dreams
Author notes
Prompt: melancholic melodies
Photo Credit: http://zindy.deviantart.com/art/Land-of-dreams-28351226
Written July 16, 2009
In a list
- For People Who Love to RHYME group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Quickie - First 8 only by Kari.
625 points, ended July 16, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PRWRITE CONTEST FOR ALL by serenity silvermoon.
900 points, ended August 2, 1025 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Enter ENTER enter!! by Antebellum.
500 points, ended July 25, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - You can't turn back, because this road is all you'll ever have. by PaintedParisPassion.
625 points, ended August 27, 83 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - silver IV by Salty Hibiscus.
550 points, ended October 11, 72 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I Need To Read by poets whisper.
900 points, ended September 14, 92 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - give me your silver winning poems; win gold. by epitome.
400 points, ended September 14, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - must rhyme by babyseal.
400 points, ends December 6, 54 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
:P
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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Don't you hate it when dreams have to come to an end? Reality sucks sometimes but dreams refresh our soul. Thank you for the lovely entry.
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He calls me near
I tremble with fear
His call I couldn’t ignore
We danced all night
Our love took flight
Too wonderful this all seems
lol, you made my mind bounce again
♥ -
Originality – 6/10
Cohesion - 8/10
Imagery/Metaphor – 6/10
Flow/Structure – 6/10
Diction/Verbiage - 3/5
Grammar/Spelling- 4/5
Rules Followed - 5/5
Emotion – 2/5
Syntax – 2/5
Title – 2/5
Reaction – 2/5
Overall Opinion – 2/5
Total: 48/80
I do like the simplicity of this, but it could have been made stronger with some imagery and metaphor. This was originally a quickie, yes?
Another weak point was the rhyme. This has an okay flow and the structure of your stanzas is consistent [kudos for that], but the way you invert your sentences to squeeze in a rhyme happens too much and it sounds like Yoda-speak, to be honest.
Thanks for auditioning and good luck!
-endymion -
Absolutely flawless rhyme you have here!
Lovely, tender emotions here.
Great flow and imagery throughout. This is a very enjoyable read
Bravo
♥ Kate -
this was short and sweet but i had fun finding out where your imagination was going to take me. the last stanza was my favorite
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nice job. The rhyme is fine but I think it could benefit from a counting of syllables. In a few of the lines I felt like I had to rush through it. Thank you for entering.
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This has such an aged feel to it. Like it was written about someone from long ago. The picture choice and background give the poem a tinge of innocence. Loved the "he calls me near". Definitely can't ignore true love. Dainty and submissive feel. I like it.
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very nicely done.
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Amazing rhyming. Stunning piece.
I honestly loved it.
Reminds me of a dream I had once.
Congratulations and best of luck in my contest
xoxo.
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Congrats on silver and HM!
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Beautiful write. I love the rhyme, absoultly amazing.
thanks for entering. -
a great write...your rhyming is impeccable! thanks for sharing your talent with us here today. peace and light, kp
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This is beautiful ... i loved this
I loved reading it, everything about it was just stunning!
Well done on a great write!
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Oh, this is very sweet. Okay, as sweet as a 'melancholic melody' can get.
It seems very thought out. Thanks for sharing ♥ -
This has a unique sense of elegance and it is just beautifully flowing and graceful. good luck.
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Oh, wow... I don't know that I have ever read anything from you before, but am thinking that is certainly my loss!
I loved this, just loved it! I like rhyme schemes that pull you down the page at a quick pace and yet make you yearn for more and that is exactly what this piece did. When I got to the end I wanted more, so much in fact that I just read it again to satisfy my hunger for more. Excellent write dear. I think I will go peruse your page to see what else you have to offer as I think I may have been missing out on some great reading not having met you before now.
Congrats on the silver dear!
Suzi
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I loved this.
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Yeah.. it does seem so fleeting
Anyways..
Nice write.
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