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Unhonored

Here lies no one. Who’s name is forgotten to time. Unloved by his sons, and Unhonored by her daughters. While those who pass know not why.

Buried beneath a blank stone, in wormy earth. With no one to mourn or cry.
What could this person have done before they died?

For their family to leave nothing to remember them by. As if they were tossed in a hole. And covered with a few bags of lime.

And they just left the stone. So they can spit on the grave of this swine. In the heart of a cemetery where people remember they're loved ones.

But their all forgotten in time.

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • divebar
    July 17

    Edit | Reply
    title- unhonered->unhonored
    line 2- morn->mourn
    line 5- their->they're

    grammatically, i understand the compulsion to use fragments (or use a comma out of place as is the case with the first sentence of line 2) to really place emphasis on something, but because you employ the technique so many times in so short a piece, the effect is really lost. the end wouldve had a slightly stronger punch had you used normal sentence structure before.

    i get what you were going for with the whole "self reflection while you look at an unmarked grave" thing, but rather than coming off as something "universal" as the comment below me suggests, i found it just vague and unrelatable. perhaps if you were to make a more personal connection with the text, the message would come through a little stronger.


    • Dark passenger
      July 17

      Edit | Reply
      First let me say thank you for giving this piece a thorough edit. I have already corrected the spelling errors. And will strongly consider the rest of your suggestions. A lot of people ask for comments so that others can tell them how wonderful their writing is and how insightful they are. I prefer to have mine examined by a thorough critic. If you feel up to it maybe you can give the one below a detailed onceover.

      http://allpoetry.com/poem/5536305


  • HereComesTheSun
    July 16

    Edit | Reply
    a strong message

    i thought you did a good job making sure this piece is universal and could have this character be anyone; almost like a warning to the reader that 'this could be you'

    • Dark passenger
      July 16
      Edit | Reply
      You know with every comment you give on one of my poems. I truly see a person who has the ability to gaze pass the obvious and in to the obscured. And where most people are fine with what is above the water. You travel well below. Where the points and messages tend to lie. It’s a hard trek for the unenlightened. But worth it when you find the prize.

      Allawy

1 - 6 of 6