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she lit another cigarette
with quivering hands, drew
a shaky breath and tried to
recall the night before
without meeting his eyes, she
passed him the lighter and
curled her legs to her chest;
absently burning holes in
a paper star necklace
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Author notes
prompt: http://trixypixie.deviantart.com/art/as-they-sat-in-silence-129529897
100/100
In a list
A contest entry
- as they sat in silence by AutumnGypsy.
700 points, ended July 24, 11 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is a draft - be as harsh as you like.
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Special Ambush
Ah, the prompt picture helps the poem. The woman looks troubled. She looks far off in a distant place. Congrats on your silver trophy. You have been hoodwinked because someone cared about you.
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Special Ambush!
I could swear I've read and commented this?!
emotionally raw; this touches a secret spot in most womens hearts as they remember or wonder about nights like this full of regret, passion and disgust
powerfully penned;
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Bandits United!
This truly a brilliant piece. The imagery is awesome, and you pulled it all off in very few words. Wonderful job!
Love & Light
Debbera
Enjoy your day in the spotlight!
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Wow. That was a stunning take on the prompt, and an amazing poem. I loved the imagery in this. Congratulations on your much deserved silver!
Write on.
~*~SP~*~
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This is fantastic, how I was wishing someone would take this kind of line of thought. Perfectly portrayed here. Best to you in the contest
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Excellent
Morningafter Perspective is intimately distant. The poem, in my opinion, describes the girl, recoiled, after plessure gone sour, which is evident in the line: absently burning holes in a paper "star" necklace. I find your poetry very deep in a simplistic way. Your words are arranged with clever power, which is evident in this poem. I loved it! Eugenia
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Mazel tov on completing 100 poems. I would have crapped out after the third and self-righteously so.
... but what you've done is worth being goddamn proud (and smug) for. Not crapping out, that is.
"with quivering hands"
This is possibly a bad suggestion on my part...==>"with hands that quivered"
Who the hell ever recommends a line that incorporates a 'that'?
Well, I just did.
The last 2 lines are tight.
;
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One gets the feeling she's been in this postion before, and that the initial intensity of shame has all but gone, replaced by a weary acceptance of her lot.
I love that your work tells a wondrous tale in so few words, which leaves your reader deliciously ruminating on what could be/could have been...
No useful suggestions ~ I actually like it just as it is.
Lovely stuff, as always from you dear Poet!
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the regret and emotion just kinda melts out of this,
it's amazing.
and i love the ending line imagery.
you're an amazing writer
♥
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The title is rather clever - it definitely made me click
The first two-stanza bit = awesomeness. I love it when the message is merely shown in body language... very clever, sensitive, and beautiful in a desolate way. Quite a strong beginning.
I find the next part less poignant, but still brilliant, particularly the paper necklace bit - very good visual and unique symbol. I really like the idea of this, but "undying devotion" seems a tiny bit overdone, though I don't mind it..
As a woman, I feel the last two lines like a punch in the stomach, but I feel like it's a bit cut short, with all those adjectives. Personally, if this poem were mine I'd reverse the first two stanzas and only use them and think those make a very compelling point - but it's yours and this is just a personal opinion. Well written and string, either way.
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one would be wrong to be harsh regarding this piece! it is well written and shows very well the confusion that we can make of things. i liked very much that you showed the two perspectives (his & hers). i liked that second stanza best because it is so relatable...surely most of us women smokers have been there. all together a great read.
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