Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

burlesque

 

 

 

 

 

 

sky spat on me
     several hundred times

and my heart felt soggy

               as if the edges
could be smudged
   by one more breath

 

 

it was early summer
  and the heat tasted
                   like lead
in a metallic cylinder

but all I could imagine
was your red hair
as you drifted along
your lake of burlesque

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

"Somewhere, someone's gun is laughing."
Just Like You - Three Days Grace

so I started there...and ended up here, though I have no idea how.

In a list

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • perfectsunset gold member
    August 11

    Edit | Reply
    Wow; stunning piece, and what a closing line
    --- totally packs a punch and then some.

    Love the soft imagery throughout
    and the depth found within
    each stanza.

    Love it.

    Best of luck & thanks for entering


  • ladybug.
    August 1

    Edit | Reply
    This is stunning. I absolutely love the way you took the prompt in a direction I couldn't imagine. Your imagery is fantastic & I love the style in which you wrote. Thank you for sharing(:


  • CentrifugalCorpse
    July 26

    Edit | Reply
    Absolutely brilliant. I loved every single line and word from beginning to end. Can't see anything here I would change. Perhaps the title. I'd probably title it "Lake of burlesque." but your poem, yours to title. Just a suggestion. It's an intriguing take on the prompt. I could never end up where you did. Best of luck in the contest, tough you probably don't need it. I can see this taking gold or at least silver.

    -corpse.


  • chilali
    July 26
    Edit | Reply
    i like the idea of the sky spitting.

    great work once again and good luck in the contest.

    love,
    ylova

  • ladybug.
    July 15
    Edit | Reply
    "Somewhere, someone's gun is laughing."
    Just Like You - Three Days Grace

1 - 5 of 5