The wind whispers through the willow trees
I sit in the shade
The miniature leaves tickling my soft neck
The sun glittering out over the once rough pond
And suddenly, I am at peace with the world
My thoughts drift, from one to another
Looking for the answer to my many questions
The wind becomes stronger
Making my hair dance
As it begins to whistle a louder tune
The pond begins to stir
As if it just woke up
From a peaceful sleep
Dark
Angry
Clouds move in
A rumble in its chest
I sit watching this magnificent scene
Unfold
Around me
The clouds change from a dark blue
To a hideous black
Rain begins to pour down to the world
Like tears or rage
Lightning flashes
A jagged streak of light
Highlighting the landscape surrounding me
The willow tree begins to whisper
As if telling me
"I am not a good enough shelter from this battle, leave now
And I will see you again"
I slowly get up from my comfortable spot
To brave the battle field up to the house
I let the pelting rain soak me to the core
The feeling is refreshing
As the lightning lights my way
This once calm scene
Becomes a beautiful dark masterpiece
A contest entry
- tell me the pain/pleasure of your life. by black-phenoqu.
995 points, ended July 17, 71 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
what did u think? i am not a very good poet, so how can i improve?
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Wow.
Hey again Hannah. Callie just read this and really liked it! Quick suggestion: in line 24 you should change "Like tears or rage" to tears of rage. -
wonderful imagery
This is a beautiful poem with wonderful imagery. The language is never dull or stale, and you present the ideas in a way that is both interesting and easy to follow. You aren't needlessly vague, and your ideas show a clear progression. I wouldn't agree with your assessment "i am not a very good poet" in the question above.
I assume you want helpful criticism, so I'll try to offer some advice. I'm not a professional poet, or even trained in writing. I'm actually a musician and composer by trade, and part of what draws me to poetry is the musical quality of the poem. The rhythm of the words when spoken are almost as valuable as the meaning of the words themselves. I would encourage you to mess with the rhythm of your poetry some by leaving out words like "the" or "as" on occasion. You can even mess with "proper" syntax and grammar to change the rhythm of the poem as long as it doesn't diminish the meaning of the words. Also, be aware of how your use of punctuation and line breaks change rhythm.
All that being said, I don't think your rhythm is bad. It just doesn't seem to be your primary concern. Hope this is helpful, and if not, feel free to disregard. And definitely keep writing. I'll keep reading.
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this is beautiful.
really, you are an amazing poet. and this poem is proof. -
Hello... You already know how much I like this poem, but I just felt like saying it again... Ha, the Grammar Nazi,a.k.a. Jess, says add some grammar. Lol, I finally found the one thing he's really OCD about! Clap, clap, clap!
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Welcome to Allpoetry
Whispers~ What a perfect topci to write about.. and that too whispers in a tempest.. wow, thats creative!!! any poet can be easily inspired by this... Thansk for sharing with us..
Happy writing..
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