she does not see the beauty of turquoise sky
at dawn, at dusk - in winter
or azure sky of spring and summer
darkening sky of early fall
In her deathday dream of orange blossoms
and red chrysanthemums
she bleeds her petals
and beauty is gone
she is but ash
who wore kerosene words
and aerosol thoughts
just to know what it's like to burn
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Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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"areosol" is still mispelled. Should be "aerosol." And I still think you need to match the verb tenses. "Wearing kerosene words" in second line of third stanza would work better for me, but then I am one of many
Still, such a good job. You are very gifted.
Lilac Moon -
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I didn't change the last stanza because "she is but ash" means she doesn't exist as a person anymore so I speak of her in past tense.
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Ahhh, ok. So maybe:
she is but ash;
she wore kerosene words
and aerosol thoughts
just to know what it's like to burn
(The pronoun "she" helps this reader follow your thinking.)
At any rate, a very good piece.
Lilac Moon -
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Thanks but can you stop tearing this poem to shreds now?!?
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Sorry! I will make no further comment!
Lilac Moon
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Wow, this is very evocative. It's SO dreamy...
I want to comment on second and third stanzas.
Second stanza, chrysanthemums is mispelled.
Third stanza -- I'd revise it to keep it in the present tense and to fix spelling error of "aeresol" (unless aresol is a word -- I searched and couldn't find it):
she is but ash
wearing kerosene words
and aerosol thoughts
just to know what it's like to burn
Lilac Moon
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to each her own I say. use of the or and or any of those other little tiny pains in the ass aside, the meaning here is clear and it rocks the reader back on her heels. I love the impact here, and yeah in some cases I use that word too much too. who cares, you can only fix little things like that-this write is pure and poetic and masterful. no matter what anyone says. I see your growth and it delights me.
Love,
jin
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Thank you so much Jin.
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Your imagery is well chosen. However, I do find you use "the" a tad much. For example, the first line "she does not see the beauty of the turquoise sky"
When I read it to myself as 'she does not see beauty of turquoise sky',
I provided such a punch. Your words are explosively effective, but I have always noticed you do tend to drown the most important images while overusing the article "the."
You appeared to have done it in the first line of the last stanza, and I love it. Actually that entire last stanza doesn't have a single "the" and it reads amazing. Perhaps if you focused more on omitting some of the redundant "the's", the lines would read more seamlessly. You definitely don't need help in the actual writing department, you have an ease with wording that most people I come across don't have. This sounds rather fluid and your imagery always is effective.
Remember, these are just mere suggestions and not meant to take offense.
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I had one less the:
"and beauty is gone" and I put "the" in last minute
I will fix that
and reading it over, I see it doesn't need "the" in front of azure either but I think it needs the first two the(s) "she does not see beauty of turquoise sky" just sounds awkward to me.
I would never take offense to a comment so well thought out, I will look this over again, thank you Christina.
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WOw hun,.. this was stunning!!
Too bad you thought you entered
it but didn't
Cause it definitely
would of grabbed a trophy!
Such deep concepts, and you
filled it with such great
metaphor and broad imagery.
Loved this piece,
especially the ending.
Bravo!!!
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