Broken tear shattered cries
your burning wounds cannot defy
of the wings of the broken Butterfly
that flies away in this night
in the beautiful sunset that fades tonight
Broken butterfly
saying whats your name?
she ignore the question to contain its pain
that makes him broken forever in this rain
Wings of sorrow of your butterfly
watch me die as I soar sky high
through the atmosphere where I could just fall
fall right through into your broken wings
that will take me somewhere during spring
Author notes
Prompt: Broken Wings
A contest entry
- Song Titles by Girl With Guitar.
700 points, ended August 6, 22 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PRWRITE CONTEST FOR ALL by serenity silvermoon.
900 points, ended August 2, 1023 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Constructive criticism please and thank you
Comments
-
Strangely enough, the wording is both fantastic and almost wrong at the same time. I think it's wonderful that you've actually used a living thing such as a butterfly, it helps to step out of the typical take on "broken wings" as a phrase, not just a song title. If that makes sense.
I love the first stanza, especially the last few lines, and I also adore the last stanza. The second one is a little bit of a deterrence, I understand it but it just seems a touch out of place. As I have noted to other poets entered in this contest, I am not suggesting you alter this because it's just my opinion and I find that most of the time, first takes are definitely more emotion-provoking.
I do really like this piece though. I think the almost wrong parts actually help make it write, it's like ugly-pretty things... almost like butterflies I suppose. Look at one of them up close...
Rambling now, lol. Thank you for the entry!
Adding your comment:
