I am like Sherlock now;
and expert in detection
I seek a lie
but it seems her heart has none;
I am intrigued
Her dance is of the
neophyte nympho;
She is the lamb
that I am hungry for
She flutters by,
slow motion,
smelling of orchids and innocence
I see no fault in her
I think I will change that tonight
Her Sauza smile says
she does what she is told;
a good girl
My whiskey dick will be happy
to instruct her
Into the car;
she seems nervous
This makes me smile
I hold her hand
I tell her I will be gentle
And there is the lie
I have been searching for all night
What did you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Somehow it seems that the more sinister, the more ill-begotten pleasure is sought. The scene that you've painted is filled with scandal and the edges are laced with darkness. The innocent girl possibly knew what she was getting into, and who knows, she may have been the real victor, in that she could have wanted the night of sex as well. Just another way to look at these words. The intensity is all here. Great work! I love the title.
Renee
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Beatiful use of words describing a sordid subject matter creating a paradoxical piece of writing that seems to flow down the page from top to bottom at leisure.
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There it is: the conflict between the cynic and the innocent. It appears to be all about the user and how she will become another innocent lamb led to slaughter. Innocence and ignorance are not one and the same.
Sherlock, both a moral standard and perhaps a partaker of the 3% solution. Can we be human and imperfect and have our imperfections not pull down our search for beauty, simplicity and a sense of resonance with what is good.
This is still so intellectual. I know many won't hear of it, but this was crafted by your thinking and never really resonated in your heart. It is why the arrogance and self-righteousness in it are so loud for me.
You have gotten the technique and sense of style down to a level of deftness. Now explore how to make each word breath and dance.
You can throw pillows at me later
Peace & Light,
Tom B.
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well, enchanting this is, as nervous as one puts it, an insistance seems more ample to fit a small lovely piece like this, but a hint of selfishness at the very end, which suggests a man's impetus sadly, but you have left it to us to sought seek it as an either or if at all, the ground shook. Nice read indeed.
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I like your very graphical imagery, the prowler who seeks to deprave others, an interesting very talented write, thank you.
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She flutters by,
slow motion,
smelling of orchids and innocence
I see no fault in her
I think I will change that tonight
I really like the way these stanzas are put together.
Great. -
woah, powerful write chuck. I hate the subject, the last stanza truly horrible.
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Club dwellers need to be...i dunno...hurt? badly? women are not walking moist hole for thier f!@#$%g pleasure...they are people...with feelings,hopes,dreams,needs,wants,dislikes,and fears...
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The mind of those that would play the game of taking innocence from those that would unwittingly sell it from the simple thoughts they do portray.
What is in the mind of one whom seeks the flower that the flower itself does not offer for if a flower was well guarded surely it would be covered in that poison that would detract even the most daring of invertibrate.
I like it, I like it so!
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Sherlock
The use of the name sherlock Seems a bit weak. Too much of a cliche'.
Why not start with "An expert in detection....
The next stanza is near perfection.
"smelling of orchids and innocence" I like the flow here very much...I backed up a bit on the orchids, but I do think it works...orchids and innocence.
I liked the sound of "sauza smile", but it distracted me trying to put its meaning into context. your line, "My Whiskey dick will be happy..." gave a clear voice to the piece.
Last line is great. It puts the poem to bed... : ) and clinches the personification and the inner soul of the voice.
I like this very much and you got away from the mythology. I like you in the here and now. It suits you well.
until then
M~
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Wow... I was left just staring blankly wondering what to say. This is so blunt and straight forward, like delving into the mind of a prowler searching for his next victim. This is definately one of your best short writes! I like the whole feel of it... even though it felt creepy the whole time I read... I think that's what I liked. Sheer BRILLIANCE girlie! Millions o' clappies!!!
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can i also just say, i guess in every poet's life they reach maturity in their writing. they've been inspired and put that into verse so many times that they've started writing brilliant poetry. i'm still waiting for that, but i think you might have begun it here.
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this is brilliant. i don't know specifically which i like about this poem, but i can draw so much of what you specifically put in it, from it.
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I like the opening stanza right here, "I seek a lie/But it seems her heart has none/I am intrigued" You speak as the hunter with the mind of one has some experience from both ends,enjoyed
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