i.
“and maybe summer is the season leaking into my buttermilk irises
and weakening my bones...”
the constellations evaporated,
but we remained,
drawing maps of stars in the sand.
we were once dreamers--
I loved him with a grain of salt.
ii.
six days and still no air;
a stratosphere imploding.
we wandered through the lightning fields,
arms struck steady,
heat stroking our egos.
I remember that sticky summer heat--
thick like molasses
sour as lemons
left rotting in July.
I remember the way it invaded
the crevices of our throats,
swallowing the metaphors of promises
riding on the tips of our tongues.
he never could inhale it,
he never could.
iii.
the vile stench of slow decay;
we buried our wasted bodies,
beneath the sand castles
frail fingers drowning helplessly
in beads of sweat,
frozen yellow eyes melting into heat waves--
he lived only for the winter.
Author notes
prompt: "and maybe summer is the season leaking into my buttermilk irises and weakening my bones." - yousless
a x e l g o l d
07.22.09
A contest entry
- Prewrites ;] by Kathraina.
675 points, ended October 20, 61 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Last Poet Standing; season one; auditions. by division.
400 points, ended December 1, 18 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
just be honest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Title: 10/10
First Impression: 10/10
Grammar/Spelling: 10/10
Imagery: 10/10
Emotion: 10/10
Originality: 10/10
Relevant to Prompt: 10/10
Final Impact: 10/10
TOTAL: 80/80
COMMENTS: This was amazing. The emotion and imagery was beautiful and I could really picture your words in my mind. I really enjoyed the story you told also. It was heartbreaking.
Great job! -
The strength of this poem lies in the originality of the imagery which captivates and draws the reader into your almost surreal world. I particularly liked the final stanza (111) which had an alluring if negative aspect to it. Tony
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WOW! This is absolutely stunning. I love your word choice, it creates vivid and intriguing imagery that I want to wrap myself in. Fantastic job!
bravo and thank you for entering
♥ kate -
I like this piece, theres some very good imagery used in this write
Keep writing
Good luck and thankyou for entering
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I think I have a new favorite. This is wonderful - so vivid, so evocative. You create this entire atmosphere so fully from just a few phrases. I love some of your pacing as well - the lines at the end of i. are really piercing and make a great pair. This is strictly a nitpick (since that's the only thing I could think of left to comment on), but did you mean lightening fields, or lightning fields? I figure you meant what you said, but I'm a little curious. Either way, this is great. Thanks for sharing it.
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Very well penned. I just love your imagery... It pulls you in.
Wonderful! Great write!
Keep penning, kay?
- Perception -
I love the delicacy with which you set up metaphors, for example "lightening fields" which would have been a lovely metaphorical image alone, is yet further backed by the previous two lines.
"I loved him with a grain of salt." - this is interesting, but could seem to be you being metaphorical on the surface, with no meaning behind it to back it up. Maybe add a few notes on the end of the poem to explain your ideas for some of the symbolism, and that powerful last line.
Very well done, thank-you for entering.
Good luck. -
-I loved him with a grain of salt.- that made no sense to me.
I really like iii.
This doesn't seem to have enough emotion in it for me. Nothing really stuck out to me.
No.
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ohhhhhh....I love this! recently I've become a lover of contemporary writing..and I love how you write..since you're a new fav. of mine..I just wanted to stop by and check out some of your other poems..this is more than I bargain for...well done!
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