You there? I have fucked up again
Sorrow, of my forgotten bane
Come now, it will be okay
Trust me, they will decay
Holding close, we'll soar up high
Happiness, so much that I could cry
Memories, I'll never say goodbye
Rest now, we'll be there soon
Sweet dreams, soon as we get to the moon
We'll make love till, the end
The End of Time.
Think about what will 'really' happen in the end.
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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In the third stanza/line, you meant to use the word "soar" as in to fly, not "sore" as in a cold sore. I would work on the pedestrian rhyme as well. Try to think deeper than "cry/goodbye" and "soon/moon". Pretty much what everyone else said....
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well done
I understand the poem,however,some of the constructive criticism has me doubting my knowledge,but then,I am new at this......loved the substance,loved the layout,thought the final line jumped off the page...keep the caps. my friend,it's your style,run with it......cheers all
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Pretty much what has already been said. The poem was dictated by the rhymes instead of the poem dictating the rhymes. There are things that are good with the poem but overall you can usually tell when the poet is bending backwards to make it rhyme. Sometimes what we want to say can't come out if we're stuck to rhyme so maybe making an adjustment to free verse could make this poem a bit more likable?
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Curate's egg...
Good in parts. The rhymes are forced,the word is 'soar', 'Sorrow' is just jeft hanging. What will happen in the end, is that we shall all die. Perhaps it would be better to enjoy life while one can!
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good
Yeah, I really get the idea of a song here... though positive in some ways... still feels sort of dark... bear the troubles you have and HOPE there's something down the line. I can feel also that this is a song... the capping of each line is fine for me...
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sore = soar
interesting write. it definately could be interpreted many different ways..unless an author gives specifics in the notes or otherwise as to what a particular piece of writing means...i always draw my own conclusion...all art is open for interpretation...thank you for sharing...
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All in One
So many of everything in just one short write: sorrow, happiness, sex, dreaming, trust, rest, remembering... From bad things to sweet dreams realized. Just like a flash run up along the stairs of poetry lines to heaven. Hopeful, optimistic, sure faith in good. Great!
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Thank you all for the comments. I've been told before that capitalizing the way I do is wrong (but I don't understand why).
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I wrote this piece for everyone who reads it to think about that 'thing' whatever it may be, that gives them strength and hope. I purposefully used stronger words to build up emotion, and for it to give different meaning to every person who reads this that can relate in some way.
'the only phrase that I would change is "so much that I could cry"... it feels very empty or cliche'
The reason I did this is because this is a song I wrote. And when I sing it, the 'so much' is a whisper kind of before the rhythm of the song continues..
That might help you figure out the flow of that
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This is good... the only phrase that I would change is "so much that I could cry"... it feels very empty or cliche. Also, I think that the last line would be more powerful if you didn't capitalize every word. Line 2 confused me a bit. i like how you ask "you there?" in the first line, and how the poem is talking to a loved one... I can feel the love here. Thanks for sharing. =D shya
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All I need to do now, is to work out how you fucked it up and why that will brong sorrow to your bane
And interesting piece
Jeff
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magnificent
with feeling like this its bound to go however u want it to this is beautiful n verbose in a good way
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