I watched stars, as around me wound
the night like a shroud disturbed by wind,
and I wonder which will be first to bow,
that wretched wolf who takes moons lead,
or maiden alone with a single tear -
both swallowing dead things to live.
There is music settled on mountains, live
compositions that heal silences wound;
sutures to seal a ragged tear,
and I know this key can wind
to the point of springs break; lead
by times-arrow as it leaves God’s bow,
but should we gesticulate; bow
before this entity that only can live
while we believe. While we are lead
by fabulists words choking like vines wound
around sensibility, that ghost in the wind
bathed in a crystal tear,
and we are not planets intent to tear
through a void on ecliptic bow,
but merely motes as we wind
ever tighter, reaching for materialistic live,
even as we shed pus from putrid wound
our failure is where we are lead.
Do not follow me, do not let me lead,
I will rip faith from within without a tear,
watch your fear like ribbon un-wound
stream into oblivion and bow
to history. This, is not how we should live
like dust-devils, slaves to doctrine’s wind.
Oh sweet universe do you now wind
willfully without a fathers lead,
intent not to just exist, but to be a-live.
To reach into your soul and tear
Illusion out, string it to your bow
and loose its arrow back to that wound?
Disturbed by the wind I shroud a tear
for those who are lead to bend and bow,
trying to live through an open wound.
Author notes
I did a sestina for a contest and enjoyed doing it so thought I'd have another go .. but I decided to use homophones (?) for my six repeating words, it actually made the format a little easier to work with.
Anyway, serious critique accepted on this.
PS: Title doesn't really have anything to do with the poem .. so if you can come up with a better one let me know.
In a list
Honest Critique Requested
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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kneels
don't change a damn thing!
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this was packed with image
and your words poped the pages
nicely done
-
"
but should we gesticulate; bow
before this entity that only can live
while we believe. While we are lead
by fabulists words choking like vines wound
around sensibility, that ghost in the wind
bathed in a crystal tear,"
is such a powerful, beautiful, real, emotional stanza. I love the sense of sophistication developed by such accurate vocabulary and such excellant figurative language.
All of your stanzas are extremely great, and I watched stars, as around me wound
the night like a shroud disturbed by wind,
and I wonder which will be first to bow,
that wretched wolf who takes moons lead,
or maiden alone with a single tear -
both swallowing dead things to live.
makes such an amazing beggining! It really makes the reader want to read more!
Great job! Keep up the awesome work. PM -
this is incredible! I love the title and I wasn't disappointed when I clicked. thank you so much for sharing. great work poet! peace an dlight, KP
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nicely penned thank you for sharing
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I SHALL FOLLW YOU POET FRIEND
Instead you advise remaking the critical words like "Do not follow me, do not let me lead", methinks your sensational power is worth to trace! Yet one of your lines say "I will rip faith from within without a tear", you ensure us with your nice style which says that watching one's fear "like ribbon" there is tenderness in your heart!
Thanks!
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Bountiful~Uniquely-Creative...
Intriguing ontological spiritual ponderings... "~I Exist Ses Tina, So Therefore I Am~" stimulates imagination, and takes the reader on a trip to free-thinking through wings of knowledge, art and science.
I like the title. It is unique and calls for a surprising satisfying encounter in Castle Poetry.
In respect and admiration,
Andre Emmanuel Bendavi ben-YEHU
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