Regrets

In the five years since I left you, not once did I think of you; not once did I regret turning away from your love. I knew somewhere, deep down, that you being my first love would always stay with me, but not once did I care to glance back to you. If I had, I might have noticed you watching; I might have realized you cared about me more than I cared about you. But I continued to walk away, no regrets.

I remember a time when it was just you I saw. I remember when the only reason I woke up was to see you and feel your presence around me, no matter how little you noticed me. I remember when one smile would send a shudder through my insides; when the slightest hint of affection could drive me to imagining what could be. I remember when there was no hope of us, nothing but my daydreams to sustain what I felt.

You wouldn’t remember that, though, because I never was brave enough to tell you. My lack of courage cost more than my happiness, but yours as well. I don’t know if you were as scared as I, and that is why you said nothing, or if you didn’t know what you wanted. But for as long as I could tell, you felt nothing for me. You were indifferent; on a completely separate path of life, and ours were never meant to cross.

I do remember, though, that before I left you, you came to realize you loved me too. You came to this end too late, though, for I was already moving on and accepting a reality in which you and I weren’t. If I had known then, maybe times would be different, and we would have had so many years to enjoy the love that could have been. But it wasn’t until whatever I felt for you had left that I came to know that you loved me with the same passion as I did you.

Why now, after five years spent chasing other dreams, is my past coming back into my thoughts? I remember you so vividly. You remind me of a time when our innocence was greater than anything else, and joy and excitement ruled our lives! I feel pulled back to a time when enjoying the life we had was more important than putting up the facade of who we wished we were. Suddenly, all the feelings I felt so long ago don’t seem so far away, and I do regret. I regret it all.

I regret leaving you alone so long ago; I regret forgetting to say hello and happy birthday; ignoring your pain and pushing mine upon you, when all you needed was comfort; flaunting my happiness, no matter how much pain was masked in it. I regret the time we danced to my favorite song, because it was not you on my mind, but another passing fancy. I regret calling you buddy, because I know now what it is like only being the friend; and I regret not being able to give you this letter, for my fear of rejection is so great.

I remember how I once felt, because what I feel now is so much the same. I love you again, but I will never tell you so. I don’t deserve a second chance, and I won’t ask you for one. I love you so much; I don’t think I can take the chance of causing you pain, or the chance of losing you. Forever will my words to you sit in this letter. Never will you read of how I regained my heart only after realizing it sat with you and only you all along.

I love you and I will, until the fated hands of time relieve me of this burden. How long shall I wait? I know not what God has planned for us, but when the time comes and we are gloriously united as either lovers or friends I will be content. Until that day, I will rest in the hope that someday you will see me as more. Not perfect, but just more.