CHAV 101: Know Your Enemy!!!

Chavs are quite easy to spot on the streets of Great Britain…

Clothes:
Chavs generally tend to be bound by the traditions of their tribes in the manner of their dress… Name brand trainers, tracksuit bottoms & a hoodie top are generally accepted amidst the tribes. The baseball cap is a lesser commodity donned by their young and worn through adolescence and by some into adulthood… Its marks a right of passage and acceptance in its familiarity to other clan members… All manner of dress will cost a small fortune, displaying status in their customary mating rituals. Each item of clothing comes with a label demonstrating its authenticity and are liked particularly for the bright shiny colours as opposed to written inscriptions, for alas they have yet to evolve a written language. Meanings to words such as Adidas, Umbro and Rebok have yet to be deciphered by tribe elders…

Appearance:
Dead eyes, brown, broken or missing teeth, shaved heads and large chimp like ears combined with a hominid brow that gives them their almost ape like appearance largely unseen since the extinction of Neanderthal man… Much of this is attributed to inbreeding due to the knowledge that nobody on their housing estates are really outside of the family…

Bling:
Chavs generally adorn themselves in all manner of talismans & decorative jewellery. From large gold rings that perform a secondary function as a knuckle-duster, for ongoing battles with their enemies, the police… Ear rings & neck chains that give them the appearance of white trash, A-Team rejects of the Mr T fan club ensure copulation in their customary mating rituals…

Language:
Chavs generally communicate in a series of grunts that are widely understood by the tribe at large. Although they have been known to mimic odd words and phrases in an attempt to communicate with the larger populace in a slurred lazy manner that enforces the belief of primitive culture… "Oi, lend us a fag, dont be tight." "You queer or what?" or “Where can I score some weed?” are typically mimicked phrases in their attempts to communicate. But one must ensure that should you have to respond, you use words that are less than 3 syllables lest the chav becomes confused and quite often aggressive in the belief that you are disrespecting his status and deliberately antagonising him…

Personal Hygiene:
Chavs have no sense or knowledge of the term, to use it would infringe the less than 3 syllable caution and incur their wrath (see appendix 4). It is the belief of the tribe, that washing, cleaning teeth or even bathing are time consuming or to use their vernacular “Fuck That!!!” (A term fully embraced by the tribe at large)… Quite often, they try unsuccessfully to mask that scent of stale body odour by spraying vast quantities of de-odorant about their bodies. But no amount of sweet smelling potions stand a chance in masking an odour that has been decades in the making. It is also believed amongst the tribes that to wash ones hands after visiting the toilet is a sign of weakness and incurs homosexual behaviour. Those among them who have managed to grasp a basic concept of written language assume signs above urinals that state ‘Now please wash your hands’ are an amusing punchline to entertain while they relieve themselves and sinks and hand dryers are just ornamentation to brighten the drabness.

Now that you know what to look for let us delve deeper in to the culture that spawns them…

Clan Beliefs:
The concept of working for a living is deemed offensive to the Clans at large, they believe that the country’s workforce is primarily in place to pay taxes in order to finance their drug and alcohol needs and house them in a manner befitting their status within the tribe. Any wants not met are quickly stolen from those who have them, their logic deriving from the belief that why should you work for it when you can steal it? To the Chav, a job is a fool’s game that pays for those who do not wish to work.

Child rearing is based on a concept of life experience, largely regarded by the public as a form of neglect, whereby the child is had mainly for the extra income that can be claimed upon its birth and the house that will be given to the mother. At age 5, said child will be roaming the streets between the hours of 4pm-11:30pm, allowing its parents the liberty of drunken escapades in the belief that the child will learn the ways of the world through its experience in the gangs formed on the housing estate where they dwell. (for further information refer to the section on ‘Chavlings’)

Hunting Grounds:
From Barry Island in Wales to Scarborough in Yorkshire, you’ll find Chavs in their hundreds swarming Seaside tourist spots, lots of shops selling cheap, tacky merchandise and T-shirts, lots of chippies and penny arcades galore. Why they ascend these spots in the Summer months largely remains a mystery, but most studies believe it is another mimicking gesture, in that they believe they are holidaying. Further study is needed, but infiltration remains an enigma when dealing with loud yobbish families who communicate in grunts. Easily spotted, they roam in packs, spreading chaos and bad dress sense wherever they go. And so grunt-speak becomes the county dialect. If caught in such a place during the Summer months, refrain from asking ‘Could you speak in English please? I don't speak Grunt...' (see appendix 4) It has long been held in belief that these said tourist spots have been targeted for Military strike as a last resort should their numbers become too large for the economy to deal with, so ending the credit crunch and the drain on society, manners and the living standards of decent ordinary people...

Mating Rituals:
The mating call of the male Chav is believed to have been derived from discourteous builder’s speak… Calls of “Get your tits out” “Suck this Bitch” and “I’d fuck the arse off you” have long swooned the female Chav and so begins the mating courtship, whereby the male will take a territorial stance, fighting off any potential rivals to his chosen female that day. He then performs many daring feats of driving, including, wheel spins, ridiculous speeds in populated areas & reckless endangerment of life with loud, booming, bass and drum tribal music emanating from the car… Excited by this, the female quickly presents her assets to the male, lifting her top or bending over to show the thong that has been wedged between the cheeks of her backside since last Summer and texting sex grunt to the male… The female can breed with up to 40 males during any given Summer in the belief that the strongest male will dominate the essence of her offspring quickly procreating ASBO the next generation... Many Chavs who procur an emotional attachment to a chosen mate develop what can only be described as the rudimentary basis of a relationship. Occasionally mistaken as human as they walk among us, bystanders have often been shocked at their tender displays of affection. To the male, nothing says I love you like a punch in the face, (part of the mating ritual), quite often mistaken for violence, people have tried to intervene in the belief that they are helping the female from this violent onslaught by the male, only for the female to attack them, perceiving them as a threat...

Chavlings:
The offspring of the Chav quickly learn the ways of the tribe... Destruction of property, stealing and fighting are all embraced by age 5. After many run-ins with their mortal enemy, the Police, by age 15 they have a keen knowledge of the law that could give the best lawyer a run for his money. It is a proud day for the young chavling when he is bestowed his first court order ankle bracelet, displaying to other tribe members he has begun his ascension to adulthood. He will strut around the streets of the housing estate with great pride, blatantly defying his curfew order, furthering the qualification of the inevitable ASBO that will follow… A proud day indeed…

Chav Olympics:
Every year Chavs gather in populated town and city areas for their annual Olympics ceremony. Festivities generally begin with an all out riot at the local football stadium at the height of the season with an epic battle (on the scale of Lord of the Rings) with the riot police. Points are given for originality of weapon choice based on what they find around them, although most just bring their own, with the winners judged on the trophies procured from the enemy, ie: police helmet, truncheon, radio and bonus runner up prizes for the looter’s spoils…

Now that the games are underway and the competitors are warmed up, it bleeds into the street and is perceived by the public at large as a senseless crime wave of mindless proportions. Although, it is interesting to note that the games officially begin in the ceremony of the burning cars as torched by last year's gold medallion winners. A police car is big points to the lucky Chav daring enough to pursue it… And so the games are officially under way… Firstly comes the drug test and any contestants found to be not taking any are quickly disqualified from events.

Events include shop window shot-putt, wheel hub discus, tag looting, mortal combat and DVD relay, after all what better way to make a Chav run faster, than to tuck a DVD player under his arm. The festivities finally end after a night of untold chaos, countless arrests and millions of pounds worth of damage… With local news coverage resembling publicity shots and trailers from ‘Planet of the Apes’

You can generally recognise the remnants of the night’s festivities trolling the streets in the early hours by their manner and appearance. These include an aggressive, total invasion of personal space to anyone they meet, complete loss of inhibition and language skills, loss of bladder control and prone to waking up battered and bruised in a dumpster with amnesia & their car keys up their backsides, swearing blind that they have had the most amazing night ever...

Cultural Impact:
There is much in media creation that can be attributed to inspiration of Chav culture. For example, in computer games, we find ‘Grand theft auto’ that is an almost direct representation of a Chav in a city centre but lacks authenticity in that it grants them a modicum of intelligence. Another game that adds a surreal take on the drunk Chavs in the city scenario is ‘Resident Evil’ which depicts brain-dead zombies whom the player must battle to escape said city before a military strike levels it to the ground. Often believed to be a simulation of previously mentioned Military Strike (see section on Hunting Grounds). And of course not forgetting ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ after all, there is nothing the Chav likes better than collecting Gold rings.

What can be done?
As Chav infestations remain on the increase throughout the cities and towns of Great Britain, much is being done in scientific circles to counter the disruption this causes to the population. It is feared that such infestation could eventually lead to assimilation and devolution, leading to a Chav state of lawlessness, ignorance and low intelligence, throwing cultural advances back thousands of years to a simpler time of barbarianism and tribe mentality. Professor Becky Blake of Scarborough University has hypothesised the creation of an expensive range of sportswear that would appeal to Chav’s sense of attire and perceptual stimuli. Said sportswear would be lined with memory metal filaments that when exposed to electro-magnetic fields could slow violent reaction, accompanied by electrically charged jewellery based on the principle of shock collars that could help with behavioural modifications in the Chav. Thus bringing riots to a quick and peaceful resolution with the police armed with no more than electro-magnetic plates lining roads and streets that when activated stop the Chavs in their tracks. Such sportswear would be labelled with target patches embroidered to hoodies, baseball caps and tops to ensure marksmen have a clear shot of more troublesome Chavs that are able to avoid the influence of the electro-magnetic plates. Although in the preliminary stages, prototypes have proved effective in the first stages of testing.

In conclusion, society largely remains powerless to act against an aggressor that has no sense of value, decency, moral fibre, law, loyalty, friendship or courtesy to others. And until, government addresses this growing problem, decent ordinary people will be forced to live in fear and outrage while the Chav culture thrives in its onslaught of the not so United Kingdom.