With too little time
the fault began,
rumbling the marriage
of usnpoken parts.
We were speaking then
of children and wealth
ignoring the ghosts
that caused the quakes.
Weak at first,
but quickly overcoming
you and I were wrestled
to the ground.
Taken harshly, hopeless
to adapt, we fell-
tumbling deeper
as the sin shoveled in.
Now climbing out
is the debt we repay,
the dirt, every so slowly,
fading from our eyes.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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This was an amazing
write. Has emotion
and great imagery to
it -
i feel this. yeah, seems like in love is spent in a glove without the direct touch of reality.
but its just a matter of time before we wake up and are forced to handle it. i like the way this is written. the language is clear. the images are strong and the emotions are put in such a way i think all of us can relate.
nice to see you again.
peace.
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Nice imagery, but I didn't get the message of the poem. I like the layout of the poem. "What did you mean by False start"?
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love love love the imagry. a great write. very emotional. very powerful. loved it =]
the storyline is very deep, very........... painful almost. loved every word =]
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this is very beautiful.. I love the imagery you have here, as well as the storyline. I think that the images are very powerful how they are now. I love the ending. One thing... at the beginning, and this could just be me, but I didn't realize what the word 'fault' was referring to. At first, I though it was 'blame', like, 'it's not your fault'. Only at the end of the poem did I realize it. Perhaps you could change it to 'earthquake', or just 'quake', to make it clearer? Overall, this was a good poem... thanks for sharing. shya
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SurelyWritten,
The penultimate line doesn't work. Dirt is an irritant! I prefer the adverbial phrase ever so slowly, but I would actually prefer a better worked phrase.
You may try inverting the line, so that the slowness comes first and what ever you decide for dirt, maybe guilt? comes at the end.
Dooney
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