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Thirty Pills to Freedom

One...Two...Three...
Can you feel the pain slipping away?
Four...Five...Six...
Have you lived enough today?
Seven...Eight...Nine...
The room begins to spin.
Ten...Eleven...Twelve...
Is it the pills or the gin?
Thirteen...Fourteen...Fifiteen...
Over half way now.
Sixteen...Seventeen...Eighteen...
Sweat dripping from your brow.
Nineteen...Twenty...Twenty-one...
The numbness begins in the fingers.
Twenty-two...Twenty-three...Twenty-four
It's the only sensation that lingers.
Twenty-five...Twenty-six...Twenty-Seven
You can't stand anymore.
Twenty-eight...Twenty-nine...Thirty...
You're found dead on the floor.

Thirty pills to freedom
It's all it ever took
To rid yourself of impurity
Your own physical look

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • PaintedParisPassion
    August 27

    Edit | Reply
    i love the counting

    i've read alot of poems about this subject but i've never read one quite like this. Thanks for entering it and good luck in the contest.

    ♥


  • Manofconstantsorrow
    August 17
    Edit | Reply

    Dug it!

    The way you went about writing was fantastic, when I finished reading I wanted more. Keep it up.


  • Dryad Enya
    August 15

    Edit | Reply
    This poem is dark and yet it has been twisted and bent so much that it no longer seems like death but an escape route, maybe thats all death is, an escape from hell into heaven. But then that depends on your view of earth, is earth pleasnt and peacful or is it filled with hatred and lust, murder and pain that will never end. the only way to get out is to drink, and when your so drunk you decide to end it all together, 30pills later and the pretictable happens. As long as you escape does it matter that your dead?

    It really makes me think and I hope I can read more of your work,
    best of luck in the contest
    Gorecki.


  • tsukiyo
    August 6

    Edit | Reply

    Hello, and welcome to AP's Got Talent!

    I agree with Endymion about the nursery rhyme feel; it made this poem work. However, I think it would be more poetic if it was placed into couplets such as:
    "One...Two...Three...
    Can you feel the pain slipping away?
    Four...Five...Six...
    Have you lived enough today?"
    could be:

    "One...Two...Three...
    Can you feel the pain slipping away?

    Four...Five...Six...
    Have you lived enough today?"
    So on and so forth.

    Also, the last stanza would flow better if it had punctuation.


    Originality – 5/10
    Cohesion - 10/10
    Imagery/Metaphor – 5/10
    Flow/Structure – 7/10
    Diction/Verbiage - 3/5
    Grammar/Spelling- 4/5
    Rules Followed - 5/5
    Emotion – 2/5
    Syntax – 4/5
    Title – 3/5
    Reaction – 2/5
    Overall Opinion – 2/5

    Total- 52/80

     

     

    Don't let the score get you down; you still have a chance to make it into the next round. Also, please don't make any changes until the third judge has had a chance to comment. 

     

    Thank you for your interest, and good luck.

     

    - Anni


  • aeolia
    August 6

    Edit | Reply
    Originality – 5/10
    Cohesion - 10/10
    Imagery/Metaphor – 5/10
    Flow/Structure – 7/10
    Diction/Verbiage - 3/5
    Grammar/Spelling- 5/5
    Rules Followed - 5/5
    Emotion – 3/5
    Syntax – 4/5
    Title – 4/5
    Reaction – 2/5
    Overall Opinion – 2/5

    Total- 55/80

    I liked how this had a sort of nursery rhyme feel to it, although such things are commonly manipulated for darker purposes in poetry and I have seen it before and expected it, hence the points off on originality. By the way, have you ever read Anne Sexton’s poetry? You might enjoy it.

    Anyways, back to your poem. You attempted to rhyme, and rhyme usually works best with metre or at least a simple syllable count. Hence, the points off on the flow/structure category; it was just choppy, but with the counting lines in between, that set structure and timeline of pill-popping worked.

    You also did not get much of a reaction out of me because, to be honest, this kind of suicide poem has been done so often to the point at which, perhaps Anni and Laura will agree, it all gets predictable. Nothing shocked me, gripped me, made me feel anything. If you make it through, I’d love to see some imagery, metaphor, and other poetic devices that show us what despair and dying feel like.

    Thanks for auditioning... please wait for the other judges to comment!

  • xyzyo
    July 11

    Edit | Reply
    This is kinda sad. Its very good...but still sad. I dont think i would make it to thirty pills haha. I wrote a poem about like 17 pills to do it. Great job, sorry for rambling.

1 - 6 of 6