Sun set in western hammock
resting its eye where searching still lay on my mind,
and clouds tipped with goodnights
formed signs in rainbow’s frown.
Rain was never so beautiful;
its breeze welcomed new beginnings, and
I saw myself.
Life’s turmoil soon became erosion’s tool-
my wind, in words spoken,
my water, in tears spilled.
I whittled past away,
while keeping some pieces intact for learning,
and slowly created my own landscape-
lush and stunning.
Author notes
Prompt: Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.
Poetic Device: Assonance
A contest entry
- NO GREENS Round 4 by Invitation Only by Idle Mind Wondering.
10500 points, ended August 26, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
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You have used the contest prompt quite well with your lovely take. I love the idea of building from emotion. Well done and kudos to you as well with your subtle and well rounded use of assonance. Quite well done.
Couple of things:
In the first stanza "laid" should be "lay".
"Never was rain so beautiful, though,
for in breeze’s welcome of new beginnings,
I saw myself."
I found this stanza a bit awkward and think you could make it stronger.
Perhaps something along these lines ...
"Rain was never so beautiful!
Its breeze welcomed new beginnings
and
I saw myself."
Just an idea.
This line :
"I whittled the past away, while also using it to "
Perhaps
"I whittled the past away, using it to "
All in all a lovely entry. Please do feel free to edit if you wish. There is time before the contest closes.
Thank you for your entry. I ill be back to peek at this one. ~Pamela
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Thank you for your suggestions. Editing has been done.
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