hey kid,
you should come see your old cracked egg sometime
I finally got your father to polish it white, we have yet to decide
if it will be a guest bed or modern chandelier. we'll have to see
if it can even transfer light, remember when you used to
get born out of that thing? I can't quite either.
there are men downtown who paint murals on them
and you can even get a mural of the child but I was thinking
flowers or something happy like that, something that matches the furniture.
we want to display it but we're trying to get the shape changed
so it just looks like a bowl. we found one man who does that stuff,
like complete restructuring, your father noticed that
he doesn't even have any children and we both laughed.
anyway, we're having trouble with some of our ideas because
the egg is so soft, you know it's a wonder it didn't just
break in my belly what would you
have done then
Author notes
visiting my parents is like visiting a museum of my childhood where all the exhibits are disguised as household items or hidden inside them.
critique
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
-
um agreed the ending = holy shit hell yes.
-
This is interesting, as a whole poem and I think it could be cool to use as a smaller section of a more expansive poem. I mean, just the concept, not the actual letter set into a larger poem, that could be almost silly. I really like it when you write from other people's perspectives and am thinking that this is an awful lot like the poems on your other account. Perhaps the lines are getting a bit too blurred? I think that's good though, it shows that your style is developing as a whole and that all the devices you used to separate your accounts are becoming inseparable even in single poems. I think it's a very, very good thing. I'm glad to see it.
-
i have a ice pick stuck in my brain, so i can never write poems from the view point of anyone other than myself (maybe i'm just really really really vain)
anyways, my inability to do anything like this makes me even more appreciative of when it's done well, and this is just awesome. the lines are stilted, the voice comes off as halfway between apologetic and condescending. aw man.
"we found one man who does that stuff,
like complete restructuring, your father noticed that
he doesn't even have any children and we both laughed. "
i fucking looove "that/ he doesn't...and we both laughed" as a line break. everyone talks like that, and this sort of has that awkward conversational pitter-patter, even though the subject matter is all icky-gross-Burroughs and completely understandable at the same time.
i love this poem. the end.
-
-
thank you
-
thank you
-
-
the ending of this poem is absolutely brilliant.
-
-
thanks pixie
-
-
disjointed. curious. a rejection of the sentimental. so rarely are those things compliments. but so rarely do poems this badass show up on my screen.
-
-
you make me sound so cool haha
thanks
-
-
i don't know what to say except i love this and how much i want to always know more. thanks for always keeping my attention. this is amazing.
-
-
thanks
-
-
my attempt at an interpretation of this: it seems like whenever you write from someone else's pov that the tone comes across as somewhat sinister and recklessly honest. i'm thinking that this is from your father's perspective. i took the egg to represent...maybe a womb/placenta or a more generalized symbol of life and childhood. that's now cracked. i liked the part about the distinction between a child and "flowers or something happy like that" and the image of reconstruction works interestingly well with the way i've chosen to recognize the symbols here, whether or not they're correct. the ending reinforces that idea beautifully
-
-
i like that you noticed that it's always sinister/recklessly honest when I write from a different perspective. I think when I portray other people, I'm actually trying to portray myself getting completely attacked by them.
it's actually from my mother's perspective. the egg is supposed to be a womb of sorts, and I tried to make it clear that it was from the mother's perspective by saying "it's a wonder it didn't just break in my belly what would you have done then" and "I finally got your father to polish it white" It seems to be that mothers are always trying to get the father to do something, often a household chore, so I tried to give a few clues that way.
I think that is the best comment you've ever given me/the only critique you've ever given me. Thank you.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 13 of 13
