Pillows of twilight ascend to skies
While ghosts, like parchment, emerge from the sea;
We stood over there, suds mounting our heels
Searching for a visible we.
If only the arms can stretch through this war
The belly of the days gone by,
We would, the same moon, be singing again
Voiced with a kiss and eye to eye.
Frozen the notes of battle smoke
Directed by the Spirit's wand
Will pulse our touch's tremolo
Sanguine drums beneath the sand.
But autumn plays a violet moon
Each stringed sound and ebbing wave
Left only in sundown, its manifesto
And worn inscription in sea stone, its grave.
A contest entry
- ~ By The Light Of A Harbour Moon ~ by Stuart Higginson.
1400 points, ended November 5, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Bountiful~Beuatiful...
I was walking on the prairie of learning... Eureka! I found this Castle Poetry's doors opened, and decided to tour throughout its garden. Oh, how wonderful was to find this beautiful "Violet"! To caress its petals with the hands of my soul~, scan its imagery and symbolical clues; and smell its perfume scented with essence of wisdom.
Much gratitude to the author for sharing this magnificent poem. "Violet" glows.
In respect and admiration,
Andre Emmanuel Bendavi ben-YEHU
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this is a really interesteing poem. brings clear pictures into the mind of the reader. and all the things that can be taken in 2 or even 3 different ways depending on the mind and thoughtfullness of the reader
well done. this is an exilent poem
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Excellent
Reminds me of Earth Mother Spiritual Teachings. Very well written indeed. I enjoyed your lovely imagery. Thanks for sharing this one with us. -
"Parchment ghosts" ... I wondered whether this was a reference, perhaps, to lost love letters of olden times, rising from the waves in which they once were cast (or in which they once sank)?
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Thanks for this entry. I have listed some points below, for you to consider - some (ie that of "the past gone by") I would urge you to address, others are just for your consideration alone. There are some beautiful expressions and metaphors used, though areas of this piece need further attention. I was disappointed that you did not satisfy the contest rule on capturing the spirit of the age ~ there was nothing about this poem that presented the modern day; it could have been a poem about a moment between two lovers written in/taken from almost any century in history.
The above is not to say I have not enjoyed reading the poem, but obviously as this is a piece written for a contest with a theme and guidelines, I do need to treat it more specifically than if I had browsed it as a featured poem or such. This is a good piece, but I feel there's more potential you could reach with it yet.
Stanza 1 Notes)
I loved the beauty and mystery of "parchment ghosts emerge from the sea" - I'd be interested to know the meaning of what you convey here.
"We stood over there, suds mounting our heels
Searching for our invisible we." ..... you lose the effectiveness of the rhyme-word by using it to start this sentence (which carries on over 2 lines). Also, this was written ambiguously - there is no real way for the reader to discern whether you are saying you both were searching for the invisble we, or if the suds were searching for the invisble we. I think working more on this line/these two lines will be of much benefit to the poem.
Note with Stanza 2)
"The belly of the past gone by," ... the "past" is just that, so there is no need to add "gone by".
"We would, the same moon, be loving again/Meet with a kiss and eye to eye." .... in the first of these two lines, you are speaking of how you would both (we) be one again -a single, unified entity (the same moon), but in the latter line, you present an image of separateness - the need to meet with a kiss, and that you are eye to eye etc. Since you use the image of a moon in the final stanza, I'd advise omitting it from this stanza, to allow it to be a fresh image in the next ... also because it serves no positive purpose in this stanza, interrupting your body-related metaphors and images.
Stanza 3 Notes)
I found this an interesting stanza, and liked the image of the violet moon being played by autumn as if it were an instrument. I felt, however, that the stanza would've been better if you continued this musical theme/musical reference to the end of the poem, using music-related vernacular and metaphors to say the same as you do with "manifesto and inscription", without leaving behind the musical theme. This is not an essential matter, more a personal preference I thought to share. -
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..thanks!
I've read and observed your suggestions, and except for the vaguity ( a spirit that is pretty nailed in my soul
), I've added a stanza that could link it to the others and specify a current time reference.
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we would - then there is a comma in a spacesuit lol floating off into the distance and waving to the poem
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lol. You funny man. Yes. There is. Thanks!
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Beyond its grave....
Nice cadence and use of subtle rhyme... Your visuals are stark and distinct...... Honestly, this poem seems like it's been waiting to come out for a while... Universal themes, questions, etc... Beautiful... If the poem were lost tomorrow, with no inscription in sea stone, it would still reverberate beyond its grave....
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Thank you so much. Your comment is poetic in itself!
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COOKIES, I eat them with ZEAL!
I love this! You have only gotten better since I was here 2 years ago and you were awsome then!
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WOW
This is awesome, so deftly penned! i'm so glad you have visited me, which brought you back to the forfront of my 'eye' because i have indeed been aware of you from my very first few weeks on AP and was impressed, yet i've been doing me so much that i lost track of you back then..I need not tell you what you already know, that you're a superior poetess, yet i'm inclined to because it's truly how i feel..read your bio and like you even more!!! you rock my friend!
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A superlative comment and surprising bit of info. Yes. What goes around comes around, n'est-ce pas?
I can't thank you enough.
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Dianne, I have been away for a while and realized that I missed you after reading this. You have a way of making my heart beat faster and making me want to write again no matter what i read from you. It seems that time takes away the flood of emotions for some reason I am still learning to live at this age. That's ridiculous, but true. You have a certain flavor in your writing that can have hope while growing nostalgic. I struggle with that. This is one of the reasons I appreciate you so much. Hope you do well in the contest and i pray you are happy with what you have composed. I know i am. RC
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Thank you. Your comments always mean so much. I was just thinking about you the other day. Wondering about progress in our works as well as our lives.
As usual, I'm not always satisfied with my poetry without others' critiquing.
However, I will appeal if needed.
Thank you. Glad things are alright!
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