More Honest Then I Want To Be

A Letter to future Spouse,

I do a lot more intentionally than I think most realize. I play dumb when it is convenient for me, and to avoid awkwardness, and to let you make the wisest move, because I do not consider myself to be the one that makes the wisest choices. I act on emotion. Maybe you act with your mind, but I don't think that you do, not when it comes to what your heart feels. You're just as emotionally spontaneous as me.
I try to read body language, but I am far more aware of my body, and intentionally say things with it that I refuse to say with my mouth. I look for signs in your motions, but I know that I can always count on myself to subtly tell you about my day, how it's been and how you will make it for me. Because you move me in one direction. You move me in another. It really depends on who you are.
I have a tendency to put things into patterns. Patterns of emotions, word repetition, influences, messages, people, love. Something of yours may be next to something that you can read so clearly with a message of all of my feelings for you. This is how you taught me to live, not to live in quiet, subtlety and naive shyness. You have taught me what I want in life. Who I love. What love means. Who I do not want.  Why sadness and self pity are traits in people that I should never have to fix, because really, it is their job to fix it, because nobody but your own self can recover who you are. Why certain things just taste good together. What books to read. Why you read them. What is Peace. How to give a hug right. How to love someone and never have another lover. How to lie. How to take the honesty.

How to let myself be buried alive. And wake up the next day a sprouted flower from the dirt.

I love this refreshing rain falling on me. But I had to leave to plant all of my dictionaries and thesauruses six feet under, so I would stop analyzing everything I did.

And it depends on you. But you have taught me something. Happiness or Sadness. Enjoyment or Disgust. Satisfaction and Desire.
I love you and I know what is important in my life. And I know some of what I believe in.

And I would love to teach someone how I love.