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Liberate the liberated

Let's liberate the liberated,
Beautify the beautific,
Rationalize the rational.



                                    {because the slaves enjoy their prison
                                      and ugliness is a beauty all on it's own
                                      and all rationality is poisoned.}



The organized need organized,
The organic, more organic,
Clean water, cleaner.



                                      {the messy bask in their messes
                                      and everything is doused in pesticides
                                      water from the spring never tasted so fresh}



You'd never think we're wrong
while we liberate the liberated.

Author notes

Now that I'm working on this poem, I know what i'm going for. I'm poking fun at society and how they want to make everything better, perfect, when what they're doing is making things worse. I'd like some feedback on what would make this a better poem. I've had this phrase running amok in my head for a few days and wanted to do something with it.

"Liberate the liberated because the slaves enjoy their prison."

Everything is welcome, I plan on tearing this poem apart.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • Sarahbear09
    October 22

    Edit | Reply
    Hmm, very true. I like the idea. One small thing. I'm not sure if you meant it this way, or if you just didn't see it, but on line 9 I believe you should have a comma before cleaner. Once again, good write.


  • Shadow Anonymised gold member
    September 23
    Edit | Reply
    its beautiful! and powerfully true...

    i think i might be in love...


  • Demington
    September 7

    Edit | Reply
    I've always loved the saying, "brevity is the soul of wit" and I see that in your work.

    If you do choose to tear this poem apart, keep a copy of this version somewhere.


  • flaed
    July 21
    Edit | Reply
    fck


  • flaed
    July 21

    Edit | Reply
    fck! how do write so eloquently and ethereally?? its depressing how beautifully deep you are. i miss you dear


  • Dpoeticone
    July 8

    Edit | Reply
    Well this poem made me think, i thought it was very good, the only suggestion i could make was to add on more, but i thought it was very clever, an kind of sarcastic feel to it, i actually really like liked the flow, of it, an i enjoyed the way that you set it up, fav part "{because the slaves enjoy their prison and ugliness is a beauty all on it's own and all rationality is poisoned.} I thought it was a very powerful line, this poem was strong, but more detail, i an if u revise ill come back cause i really liked this


    • Stormy Sky
      July 8
      Edit | Reply
      i added more, but it's not nearly as strong, haha =\ now what you think?

      • Dpoeticone
        July 10
        Edit | Reply
        Now i think its much better, fav part
        " {the messy bask in their messes
        and everything is doused in pesticides
        water from the spring never tasted so fresh} i thought it was a nice addition to the poem, an i think that it improved for me, i wanted more an u delivered i feel like its complete lol

1 - 10 of 10