Sing me a new song,
A song without words,
A sweet twittering tune,
Sung by only the birds,
They sit in the treetops,
But hasten to flee,
When I come to listen
To their soft melody.
Sing me a new song
A song without fright,
Of true innocence,
Like the moon’s silver light
Which, though it is dark,
Seldom fails to put out
A glimmer of hope,
A wavering doubt.
Sing me a new song,
A song without grief,
A burden one carries,
But assured relief.
When love warms the heart,
After being so cold.
When friends come my way,
Friends more precious than gold.
Sing me a new song,
A song without sound.
A tune to remember,
A meaning, profound.
I listen in wonder
And I understand
Why you’re in the sky
While I’m bound to the land.
Author notes
A new poem, whadya think? I'm not sure what to put exept, is it sappy? XP I don't know much about poetry, so I don't know. Anyway, I was shocked as I sat before my computer and though, 'huh, I want to write a poem.' So I did. First I tried to make a haiku, but then thought it was boring, so I stopped. Anyway, thanks for reading, tell me what you think.
A contest entry
- critique by DancingRed.
400 points, ended July 16, 51 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
-
What I like: the beauty you pen within your words, the phrases "A glimmer of hope, / A wavering doubt", the poignant ending.
Personal preference, but I don't care for end rhyme. I think it'd probably flow better without end rhyme- the end rhyme here seems to stilt the flow as it creates a stress in the middle of a sentence or idea.
The whole bird song idea is bordering on clichéd, too. Maybe if it weren't rhyming you would have had more leeway to bring in more interesting images. Also a bit long - might be more powerful if short & succinct.
Very lovely though. Thanks for entering!
DancingRed.
Adding your comment:
