When your eyes have had their fill,
and your ears have had their thrill,
when your voice has ceased to shout,
and your teeth are falling out.
Could it be you'll realize,
worldly things are full of lies
everything which you desire,
merely puts you in the mire.
Ego screams into your ear,
till you wish you were not here,
castle building in the sand,
soon will find you far from land,
That's when God reveals his plan,
and it simply says to man,
there is nothing you must say,
put your earthly toys away.
There is nothing you must do,
just allow the good in you,
all will come to those who wait,
silently - beside the gate
A contest entry
- the good ... by PrabhuDayal Khattar.
400 points, ended July 18, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
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Excellent
Such a great write. So very creative. Thank you for sharing
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a good piece of poetry which you have written here - ah the ego again, do not pay it so much attention my friend for by speaking of it so much in poetry you then give it a chance to rise in your own spirit! it is true. there is ego within all of us, pay it no mind, just let it do its job.
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Very comforting
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Thankyou
david
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I like reading rhyme, and this was, for the most part, unforced and well-done. There are just a few parts that bothered me; the line "maybe then you'll realize" seems to be shorter than the others, interrupting the flow. Then, I would change the word "merely" to "only", because I think that gives a better sense of what you're saying. But anyway, I like the message of this poem and I think you've certainly said it in a creative way. shya
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Iv'e changed it anyway Shya, cheers
David -
hi there Shya
Well you made be grab my dictionary to look up ''merely'', and it said,- ''that is solely or no more or better than what is specified''.
. Near enough to the same meaning as ''only'', and such a lovely word, don't you think?
I could replace - 'maybe then'', with ''could it be you'll realize'', is that an improvement? Loved your comments as ever
Love david -
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ah, connotations... whenever I use the word 'merely', it means something like 'that's all', and I thought it didn't work here because being put into the mire is no small thing. When I read "merely puts you in the mire", it kind of sounded like "all it does is put you in the mire, no big deal." Hence my suggestion... of course, connotations are different for everyone, so you may see things differently. As for the line "maybe then..." , I'm not sure how I would change it. I read the word 'realize' like a spondee, so it kind of messes up the meter... but then again it's a good rhyme, and I don't want to tell you not to use the word 'realize'... hmm... I'll think on this a bit...
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Interesting, I could say the same about only
Only is'nt much is it, but of course being in the mire - how bad is that, it may be the best thing that could happen if it's what you need to learn your lesson. We are all in effect in the mire learning our lesson now, don't you think? Some would think that is bad, others would just say, - ''Ah This! and it would no longer hold them. just like a swamp, the more we struggle, the deeper we go
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lol, do whatever suits you, fellow poet. it's quite true that there are two sides to everything. taoism - don't get me started. =D
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Ah So! it all becomes Yin and Yang in the end
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spondees kind of break that rule, but they sure are stressed. lol...
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Now you' have lost me again, what are spondees? and why are they stressed??
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spondees are a type of poetic foot, like iambs and dactyls et al, and a spondee consists of two stressed syllables. Like the word 'realize', that's why it's messing up your meter, as far as I can tell...
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So true my friend..you are quite wonderful and graceful while sharing the beauty of the connection with HIM ..love it..well done..and thanks for sharing..
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Thankyou your words are very encouraging Regards David
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Thankyou once again Regards David
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I so love the tone and feel of this write, its so touching and reaching with its innate message
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Thankyou so much for reading, I do find it much easier when i realize that there is nothing to be done, just open ourselves up to the wonderful universe and await the Love which flows to our door
regards david
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Sage words that speak clearly and keep a focused tempo as displayed. I found the message here one I could readily identify with. I especially liked the metaphor of "castle building in the sand". Blue
ps-
in the first stanza, there is no need for apostrophe's at eyes and ears.
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Thankyou for your lovely thoughts on this poem, and also for the correction. I'm still learning English grammar
David
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Excellent write, and a message to keep encouraged by for others. Blessings.
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Thankyou for reading and your lovely comments
David
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Maybe then you'll realise,
worldly things are full of lies
everything which you desire,
merely puts you in the mire.
- like my mother always says "vanity is vanity, everything will pass."
ahh reminded me of the morals i was taught. beautiful write.
its powerful.
p.s. you spelled realize wrong. []
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Thankyou Tzipora
Your Mother is obviously a very wise woman, one of my favourite quotes from the Bible - ''Vanity of vanities, all is vanity''( Ecclesiastes, chapter 1, verse 2)
Thankyou for the correction, you have discovered my weakness. I now officially appoint you as my ''spell checker''
Love David -
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also my favorite book in the bible. its like an actual guide for life.
haha, you welcome. an honor....im not better at spelling, understandable.
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Maybe then you'll realise,
worldly things are full of lies
everything which you desire,
merely puts you in the mire.
- like my mother always says "vanity is vanity, everything will pass."
ahh reminded me of the morals i was taught. beautiful write.
its powerful.
p.s. you spelled realize wrong. []
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Thine words do speak of the one single truth that matters at all, everything else pales and is destined to fall.
All we need to do on this earth is be good to each other but there are so many who let worldly things get into thier hearts and minds.
It would seem to me that mankind is so ripe for a fall and the earth itself well it couldn't give a care for it will continue to turn even when the sun runs out of fuel and implodes.
The cosmic energy, the human wavelength will continue to radiate for eternity as you so well know we have come to be such a universal chatter box.
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Thankyou for reading, as you say, things are in a perilous state. we can't destroy the earth, but it could certainly do us alot of harm if we don't start behaving
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awww I really enjoyed reading this spiritual write. So much truth in your words. Well done and luck in the contest.
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Thankyou Rachel, so glad you liked it, thanks for your good wishes
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Your title attracted me, bro..So much truth in your words...A call to maturity, and choices of the eternal and lasting that the good that can come to us will transpire..Always a pleasure to read your pennings...That spiritual insight and philosophical mind is so refreshing...and shines like a beacon in the dark that so often would prevail if we let it...Keep penning! All the best in the contest! sis
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Cheers Sis for your lovely words, when ever we light a candle, the darkness disappears
love david
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