How many silences must be endured,
lonely nights spent wondering,
until all lies broken in bitterness--
shackled to memories of what was joyful,
that cannot be tossed aside.
How many tears can splash,
upon a single windowpane,
before it all comes crashing down?
What was once whole and solid,
now broken and defective.
How many breaths can be taken,
when there is not enough oxygen,
to sustain such fragile life?
Suffocation in stale air,
that was left in your wake.
How many glances can be shot,
in the direction of the midday sun,
before moist eyes are blinded?
The most painful image,
etched onto each pupil.
How many steps must I take,
carried further from this lasting pain,
until I can let all this go?
All this time and love vanquished,
as if it never existed.
Author notes
x x x n o x i o u s r o s e x x x
- A Group for Poets Under Nineteen group list • next in list
A contest entry
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400 points, ended July 24, 27 entries
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Bronze trophy winner
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• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Just a quick write while I'm angry.
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Nice write, I did like this, the title was amazing in itself.
Excellent write, take care and thank you for entering.
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Thank you for the entery
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You Scored 80
by
the poet of hearts and beautiful words
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Powerful
Amazing write, I love the strong depth of emotion you conveyed, such that I could feel it in your words. I especially love the 2nd stanza. This reminds me of times in my own life that I have experienced, memories... I could really relate. Thank you
for reading my Sun Kiss poem, I appreciate your comments greatly. Love and blessings, Amy
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MY OH MY YOUR TALENT KNOWS NO BOUNDS THIS IS A VERY FINE WRITE INDEED
BRAVO, I SALUTE YOU
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ow
yes i feel the despair, the bewilderment..... i think the best poetry is the true stories -
A painful but beautiful piece.
Loved the title and the lines:
How many breaths can be taken,
when there is not enough oxygen,
to sustain such fragile life?
Best of luck in your contests.
♥ lyrebird -
I must say that I was quite taken by this poem. I enjoyed your title because I came into the poem prepared for the absolute onslaught of emotion that I found within. Each stanza you picked a different image and expanded upon in relaying your sense of sorrow, and it was brilliantly done. I only have two suggestions, since you are asking for them, in the second stanza you talked about a broken windowpane and the last word you used to describe it was "splintered". I'm not fond of it, it doesn't seem harsh enough or cold enough like glass it, it sounds alive to me constrasting with the inanimate windowpane. The second thing is of all your stanzas the first is actually the most unclear in it's chosen image. You drift when you say
"until all lies broken in bitterness--
shackled to memories of what was joyful,"
The image of shackling lies and memories is overwhelming to the initial silence that you begin with. I guess that is all of my suggestions! Enjoy and I hope they were somewhat helpful
~Storm -
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Thank you, this was the critique I was looking for definately. Rereading it now, I do understand what you mean about the first stanza, but I don't think I'd change it because it's still powerful in it's own way and it's what the entire poem is about: being in love and trying to cope with the pain of a bad relationship that can't be let go.
Ex: until all lies broken in bitterness--
shackled to memories of what was joyful,
that cannot be tossed aside.
In this, it basically says to me when I was writing it being broken, but still unable to do away with the love and being stuck because of all the memories and happiness that there once was and cannot be forgotten.
Second, about the word "splintered" in the second stanza. I'm not very clear on what your suggestion was--to change it to a window (the mention of glass)?Though I don't see how tears could fall upon a vertical object, I'd be glad to hear from you again and to get what you meant. I'm absolutely planning on changing that word if it's out of place.
Wow, this is too long. Sorry. -
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I am glad that my critique was accepted into open arms. Sometimes, people say one thing and mean another, which everyone experiences during their lifetime. Anyhow, I agree with the first stanza being powerful and leaving it cannot detract anything from your poem, because it is amazing. As for my suggestion concerning the word "splintered" in the second stanza, in my opinion it doesn't remind me of glass breaking. It sounds organic, like wood breaking. I love the mention of glass and your windowpane illusion, what I dislike with this word especially is that it ends that stanza and I think a stronger word is needed. I think it will help make the stanza itself more conclusive and will help evoke stronger emotions from the poem as a whole. So after my long winded explantation I have to say yes "splintered" is out of place, and should be changed.
I hope that was helpful! Good luck and please let me know what course of action you decide upon.
~Storm -
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Alright, 'splintered' has now been changed to 'defective'. Did I hit the word now? I thought of this as a personafication of love lost: What was once whole and passionate becomes broken and the feeling is crippled within us. Is this a change for the better?
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Yes! I am much more fond of the word "defective". It is much more poignant and to me at least, speaks of retrospectively viewing love as doomed from the beginning. It's kind of a morbid foreshadowing of your poem, imbedded in the middle.
So now question, what do you think of the change?
~Storm
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I loved it- so much raw emotion. Sometimes it's best to write while we're still angry or sad or overwhelmed. This came out simply beautiful, and the rhythm is perfect.
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Aww I just wanna cry! Loved it - just one thing, I would perhaps consider making it into one long poem (can't remember the proper word for it!) rather than stanzas, not sure why thats just how I would've done it
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interesting write here that is really full of thought and devotion
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Really good, sad, poem, like it alot..
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