You were no good for me.
Your compliments sounded
like insults but I'd say
thank-you anyways.
I would dance without
music as you pulled
my strings to make me
move.
Reading books and
watching old films
was starting to excel
living.
Sometimes I'd play
dead. It was easy to
cheat at that game.
If I could I would
swallow all the oceans
and never let it rain.
I'd do a lot of things
differently if I could
but you seemed to
always be in the way.
Somewhere somebody
far away was saying "I
told you so."
But about what was
a mystery to me with
everything I was doing
wrong.
Author notes
I might add to this later. It feels incomplete to me. . .
A contest entry
- The Ten by lowercase prelude.
500 points, ended July 20, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Tell me what you think . . .
Comments
-
um...I don't know about this one. It does seem incomplete and almost...rushed. I like the beginning of the last stanza, but I think it could do without "because I knew how much you hated it". That part doesn't really make sense to me. They hated what? When it never rained?
The opening line seemed to try too hard. Again, I liked the first part, "You were no good for me" since that seems to sum up the whole theme of this poem. The second part sounds like it's trying too hard to be a contradiction.
The second stanza:
"Your compliments would sound
like insults but I would
say thank-you anyways."
I would try something less...wordy.
Your compliments sounded
like insults but I
thanked you anyways.
Just a thought. Also, this stanza:
"Sometimes I tried to
play dead but it was just
to easy to cheat at that
game."
Far too agressive.
sometimes I tried to
play dead. it was
easy to cheat at that
game.
Anyways, it's almost one so I'm gonna cut it short.
Best of luck in the contest.
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