Laying on Irish blanket,
Under a sky full of stars..
Out in a shallow creek,
Looking at her scars..
anguish on her delicate face,
Sadness gripping her mind..
concern killing her inside,
Each day sanity tough to find..
Her heart becoming weaker,
With every thump that passes..
spiraling with thoughts of love,
With every mark she slashes..
Cold in her fragile body,
Depression slowly consuming her..
She punishes herself everyday,
Asking "how did this Occur?"
Laying outside becoming critical,
Under the moon that wont confide..
Ghosts of banished souls wail,
Tonight, poor lonely girl has died..
Author notes
its dark in a sad way.. well at least i hope it is ^_^
A contest entry
- Deep, Dark and Lovely by Shantti.
400 points, ended October 6, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
what can be fixed?
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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This is excellent and dark in a sad way. You have a good visual going here and your rhyme and rythem are impecable. "Consuming" in the fourth stanza does work well
Excellently penned. Thank you for entering my contest, good luck to you
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thank you so much... im glad you thought it good
* fingers crossed * ^_^
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Its sad but that's part of what makes it beautiful. I liked this piece.
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thanks a million for your kind comment ^_^
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You're welcome, anytime!
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I really liked this, you have the ability to tell a story well without using a million words to do so.
Since you are asking what can be fixed I will tell you a couple things that stuck out for me when I read it. Please note that these are my opinions only and it is after all YOUR poem, please do with these opinions as you wish, it won't cause any ill feelings on my behalf if you simply toss them aside, I only offer them because you request them.
anguish [written] on her delicate face
^remove^ as it is not needed and will improve the flow of this line going into the next line
Depression slowly [murdering] her
^replace^ as a rule of thumb
this word is not very poetic and becomes a stumbling block for the reader causing them to take that fractional pause that impedes upon the
previous flow. You should avoid using this word unless for sonnets or end rhyme where it can be successfully manipulated to make the reader breeze past it without taking that fractional pause.
(It just isn't one of those words that rolls off the tongue easily for most people) Try replacing it with a word that means the something similar like "taking" or "consuming"... my suggestion would
be for the sake of flow to use a two syllable word like taking but again it is your poem and I am sure you can come up with something if you don't like one of these choices ( feel free to use them if you like)
And lastly, your eclipses are inconsistant. Some have two and some have three. Your title has three but your poem body has only two throughout. An eclipse should always have three and if used between words there should be a space between the last period prior to starting the next letter of the word following it so it should look like this: but... how?
You might want to take another look at some of your placement of eclipses because as it stands you have a sentence that is actually four stanzas long, it is hard for me to believe that is your original intent, I'm thinking a couple of your eclipses were most likely meant to be periods and maybe you have a typo but since the other eclipses are only two they just blend in and appear to be eclipses as well.
With just this tad bit of editing I think this piece could stand out, it has a huge amount of potential.
It will have a solid rhythm, great rhyme scheme and a subject matter that flys really well here on this site. All in all I think you are off to a wonderful start with this one.
I wish you the best of luck in the contest.
Suzi
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Thanks a million suzi i read your comment carfully and agree with your words.. Your so kind to help me
U dont mind being told such things i know i'm only getting started and there is room for improvement..
^_^
vonnie
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so sad
but always beautiful. you know what i'm gonna say next dont you?....
deserves a trophy!
well IT DOES...in my mind anyways....
love it...love you
xxxxxxxxx
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hehehehe whenever i enter a contest i do be waiting for your cutie pie little comment when ya say that i deserve a trophie and im like " yeah i do baby " lol
you make my day foxy x x x x -
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heh im so predictable when it comes to you
i always try to bring something to your day babe
xxxxx
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