Getting over you

I think of all the bad stuff, the unhappiness, the tears,
And pretend I never loved you, and forget about the fears.
I think of how you hurt me, how I’ve never felt this pain,
The way you never listened when I warned you again
About climbing after sci-fi, you just seemed to ignore,
Or not doing a handstand when it’s someone else’s floor.

You’re socially awkward, bad at picking up emotions
Or even normal etiquette: you couldn’t grasp the notions.
All these things I attempt to force into my mind
When a memory attacks me and takes me by surprise.
The way you always made me laugh, no matter of my mood,
And when you experimented with strange mixtures of food.

The games we used to play sat together on the couch,
Or the way you’d barely sit on things, you’d more likely crouch.
I loved the times we watched a film, just sat all on our own,
But you’re mind started to wander, and I really should have known.
It was never meant to be, you’re emotions were not real,
You just needed someone there, to understand how you feel.

I’m sorry that I hated you, even for a day,
And I’m sorry that these feelings are not going away.
I’m trying not to think of them, I try harder all the time
And although the pain is lessening, it’s nowhere near fine.
I love the way you said the most random things to me,
I love the way you jumped around, much easier than me.

I loved waking up next to you; it always made me smile,
I could have stayed there all day, just be with you for a while.
I loved the feeling of having someone to come home to,
Knowing that that person wanted me to be home too.
Even if it didn’t really last us very long,
I hope you do not think everything we had was wrong.

My love for you was real, and still is to this day,
I try not to make it clear; I know it’s hard for you to take.
And even though I’m glad that you and her are making up,
It still is hard to think about, and hard to see close-up.
I’m glad that she forgives me, I’m glad that we’re OK,
But I’m still filled with jealousy when I know you’re gone all day.

I want you to be happy, and if that means you and her
Are together now and always, then I really would prefer
The idea of that to you unhappy, for I hope that now you see,
I’m not trying to be awkward; I’m just trying to be
The friend that I can be in this bizarre situation
And find someone to love who thinks I’m not just a temptation.

And I will be able to think of you just how I did before,
And not have all these memories that for the moment I abhor.
You know just how strangely sentimental I can be,
And I would never rid myself of any strong, clear memories.
But I wish that just for one day, before all this is done
I can pretend this never happened, and feel peace for one moment.

I promise I won’t try to make you be with me again
I know that will never happen, and we should just be friends.
I don’t try to think about you, but the memories flood my mind
I’d rather forget it all for now, not to be unkind,
Just forget until I can find a way to let it go
And know that in my heart I do not love you anymore.

For the moment that’s impossible, no matter how I try,
So I hope that you’ll forgive me, even if you know I cry,
And I promise in return I’ll try my hardest to pretend,
And not make it obvious that all I want is this to end.
I love that you’re intelligent, you’re funny, you’re quick-witted,
You’re talented; you’re strange and absolutely committed

To any task at hand and I love the way you smile,
The way you looked at me when we were happy for a while.
I love your hair, your eyes, your laugh and all the other stuff,
You know I love the rest of you, I’ve mentioned it enough.
You know I love your poetry (It’s much better than this!)
I love everything about you, and it’s so hard not to miss

All the things that happened that I presumed you would forget
The little moments together that means I can’t really regret
The time we were together, regardless of the pain
That I felt during and afterwards; the rainbows from the rain.
Those little tiny moments, they are stuck inside my mind
That jump out when I least need them to, they really are unkind.

Basically, I have to say, I love you with all my heart,
And I hope that given some more time I honestly can start
To forget this pain and move along, be happy for you two.
Though I admit, knowing that you liked her then so soon
Kept my pain in place much longer than it could have been before
But know I completely understand that you never meant for

All of this to happen, and you never meant to hurt me,
This is why i do not hate you, and are glad that you don’t hate me.
The only problem now is - I’m not sure what to do.
Every time I see you, I’m reminded why I love you.
When you talk to me it makes me smile, I always want you there
Regardless of the hurt I feel, it’s easier that way.

But when you are not there sometimes I find myself forgetting
And then I realise it might be easier if let in
All the reasons I’m angry at you and why I can be mad
And if you are not here I sometimes feel quite glad.
Yet for you not to be here is difficult as well,
And I cannot make my mind up which is easier to quell:

The pain of you not being here or the pain of memories,
Which option would be better to put my heart at ease?
While I’m making this decision please don’t get exasperated.
I realise, it’s obvious - we never should have dated.
But as we did I need this time to get over the pain
So know that I will try my best to be how we were, again.