When I'm alone,
and every thought comes back to you
every smell I smell is you,
and all the sounds I hear are calling me back.
But you don't want me back
you don't want me
and every song I hear,
sirens tempting me towards troubled waters,
and I never did learn how to swim.
You said you'd teach me,
show me how to love,
how to fly.
How to take a sad song
and make it beautiful
but every note I played
was too sour for your ears,
and you forsook me,
left me so fast
those rotten notes still hung,
suspended in the air,
suspended in my mind.
and now that I'm alone,
I hear no notes,
it would seem none can be worthy
of your excellence,
every note you've ever created was golden
and mine are left behind,
shoved into crevices
hoping to create enough confusion
that I could forget about you
but it would seem that you are unforgettable,
in every way,
every golden note,
soaring into my ears on halo'd wings
is so incredible
and at times I almost can't believe
I was ever worthy of you.
and now that i'm alone,
you're less forgettable than ever,
I sit here, and I'm not surprised
that you sifted all of my tarnished notes
from your song.
I understand that my music
wasn't music to your ears,
but something muffled,
entirely mediocre,
and that I was undeserving.
even so.
When I'm alone,
every thought comes back to you
your golden notes,
and the siren song that will forever be calling me
and I can only hope to someday
reach you, on halo'd wings,
with golden notes of my own.
Author notes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAHEslK3CLI
A contest entry
- The Static Rounds: Round One. by decode.
2400 points, ended August 22, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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76/100
Title: 7/10
Imagery: 6/10
Flow: 7/10
Relation to prompt: 9/10
Word use: 7/10
Creativity: 7/10
Emotion: 8/10
Style: 8/10
Spelling & Grammar: 10/10
Overall Opinion: 7/10
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79
82/100
Title: 6/10
Imagery: 7/10
Flow: 9/10
Relation to prompt: 9/10
Word use: 8/10
Creativity: 7/10
Emotion: 9/10
Style: 8/10
Spelling & Grammar: 10/10
Overall Opinion: 7/10
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82/100
Title: 6/10
Imagery: 8/10
Flow: 9/10
Relation to prompt: 9/10
Word use: 8/10
Creativity: 7/10
Emotion: 9/10
Style: 9/10
Spelling & Grammar: 10/10
Overall Opinion: 7/10
seemed a bit repetitive when reading.
you had good ideas, but they were swallowed
by all of the repetition.
thanks for entering. -
sad but sweet. I liked the story of it, the metaphor... made it flow better -- though you did tend to repeat 'golden note' a lot; maybe finding another way to say it in some of those places would make it stronger? some rephrasing could add more depth to this.
"I sit here, and I'm not surprised
that you sifted all of my tarnished notes
from your song."
that line was heartbreaking.
I enjoyed reading this -- it was, well, just sweet & I really needed that right now. good luck!
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