a thousand miles
of ghost horizon
stretches between
the ends of
my fingertips
and i am lost in outline,
and where do i end,
and where,
does the ocean begin?
atoms dance like fairies
ever so magical
ever so
heartbreaking intricate blueyellowredpink
A contest entry
- & i've forgotten how to breathe again. by Immortal Obscurity.
800 points, ended July 12, 9 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - critique by DancingRed.
400 points, ended July 16, 51 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - COME ON, THIS IS EASY, BRONZE TROPHY PRE-WRITE by Leance.
400 points, ended July 17, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Abstract by Tivoli.
425 points, ended August 4, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your best by condor.
2600 points, ended August 20, 192 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Nicely captured. I think all of us often wonder where we end and where the ocean begins.
I really enjoyed the imagery of these lines:
atoms dance like fairies
ever so magical
ever so
heartbreaking
Very well done. Thanks so much for entering the contest and best of luck.
Leance
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Beautiful words, but so heartbreaking at the same time. The whole thing was gorgeous. All the best in the contest.
Take care
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Aggh, I must say that I'm not too keen on the way you've put commas at the end of each line. I say you only use a comma when it really needs a pause, which I don't think it really needs in the middle of a sentence. Distracting. Detracts from your beautiful words.
And what beautiful words they are! I'm very much enjoying the phrase 'lost in outline', and I LOVE the way I can discover more words down the end of the page, too. A secret stash of stellar imagery. Layout is superb.
I say keep the commas in the second stanza though. Maybe it is the pauses you are after, but I think for the beginning you need something to flow unhindered, gain the reader's trust. In retrospect I know your poem is going to be fine in the end, right?, but I didn't when I first started reading. We want wow factor from the first two lines.
But this is pretty much what I'm looking for. Thanks so much for entering!
DancingRed.
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wow.. U stun me with words.. N u bless my eyes with this eye-catching layout... In both form n words u did this prompt justice .. Lovely write
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very nicely done and quite eye catching i enjoyed this read very much so nicely done and i do hope you win a trophy
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mmmm yes I like it. It's different. But I like it. tasty.
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lovelovelovelovelovelove.
into the finals for you. thanks for entering
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