I cant even fathom
the thoughts in your head
the pain in your heart
your blood boiling red
your stomach it churns
and your lips they quiver
i cant form the words
as you shake and shiver
beyond comprehension
your world crumbles down
cascading waves of nausea
allowing yourself to drown
Author notes
Please i need critique!
A contest entry
- ...Help me by Mokashi Senyu.
400 points, ended August 10, 107 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
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Very good poem , your stomach it churns and your lips they quiveri cant form the words as you shake and shive. I can identifiy with this. When I was young I fell through ice and this is the way I felt. Thank you for sharing and it was very good to read.
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I love this... Like, honestly a wonderful idea and well-executed. My only word of advice would be to fix the last two lines. They seem a little off, maybe because they are phonetically longer than the other lines. If there is any way to shorten them the slightest bit without losing the quality of the previously chosen words...
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Thanks for the advice i will see what i can do
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I really love this poem. I can't even explain it.
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