He gasped for a breath in the buffeting wind
as his wings found the purchase they sought;
he suddenly found
as he neared that hard ground
an incredible freedom of thought.
That buffeting wind became his best friend...
his wings felt the fullness of flight ~
his confidence grew
as with each flap he flew
and his body seemed fluently light.
He cried out again in a glorious refrain
and he wheeled and he arced in the air;
the other birds cringed
when they saw this great skill,
and it caused them a pang of despair.
A contest entry
- (COLLABORATION) FLY IF YOU CAN by condor.
1600 points, ended July 18, 8 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I thought this was brilliant and very well done indeed. You managed to capture the rhythm very well and really impressed me a lot. I do agree with DesolaElifE though. Effortlessly in the 2nd verse/ last line is one syllable too much. You can change that word or rearrange to capture the rhythm before the contest closes. Very well done and the best of luck.
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Brilliant. My ending wasn't so happy.
'and his body seemed effortlessly light.' - In my voice, that line in one syllable too long.
Lovely way to end it.
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