this opaline miasma
eddying ghost-landscape
auroric ripples its watercolor scaffolding;
a dream-gnosis fuzzier than cat's feet pawing:
my food dish is
empty!
self dissolves into iridescent quicksand, slips psychedelic
through futile mental talons, these rebel perceptions
clean sharp illusory outline
long since given way, leaving only
dust in the palm.
A contest entry
- Prompt by AliceinPoetryLand.
900 points, ended July 4, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - critique by DancingRed.
400 points, ended July 16, 51 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best Prewrites From July 2009 by amaranthine lover.
1075 points, ended September 6, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
-
20.85 / 25
Your imagery is very great, but I think it's a bit strong and leaves the writer slightly confused. I love that you have an expansive vocabulary, so toning it down it something to work on. Great otherwise! -
I like how you've used some pleasantly long words in this piece. Delicately hazy indeed.
As for critique: perhaps because you have used so many nice longer words, the length of each line could have been shorter, making it easier to read.
Thanks for entering!
DancingRed.
-
-
See, the thing is, I don't use "long words" simply for the sake of it, I use them because they're often the only word that communicates the -precise- shade of meaning that I intend. If a shorter word would work how I wanted it to, I'd use it. Not that I'm not open to suggestions, because I certainly don't know or routinely think of every word in existence. The point is just that it's already heavily stripped down from the original version, and if I knew a way to make it more succinct without sacrificing essential meaning, I would.
Thank you very much! -
-
Yeah, I was thinking shorter line lengths.. as in the same words but more line breaks? If that makes sense.
Thanks for your reply!
-
-
Ahhh, I see what you mean now. I've been a bit discontent with it anyhow so I'm messing with it to try to fix it. Not quite finished yet. Do you prefer I finish before you judge or are you judging based on the submission I entered, not its improved post-your-comment version?
-
-
Feel free to keep editing. Just tell me when you're finished making changes so I can come back and read it again. I'm probably going to finish judging tomorrow or the next day.
-
-
-
-
-
lots of finly "undefined" images here poet. This line made me smile:
a dreaminess fuzzier than cat's feet pawing:
Well done
-
Just wonderful metaphor and imagery in this! Perfect for the prompt. Thanks so much for your entry
Gaylene
-
Nice ending. Good stuff. Looks for like 90 words than 50, though.
-
-
Oops. You are absolutely correct. I got caught up in what I was doing and forgot the word limit. I always do that... *mutter* Thanks.
-
-
It still looks longer than 50 words, though I counted and it is 50 exactly. That's interesting =]
-
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 11 of 11
