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Unbound (Sonnet 9 of When You Were Mine)

Unbound, like rivers rushing out unbound,
love flows through every rivulet of love.
Sound choices vary; thoughts rise to hearts’ sound,
above the din of conflict.  Rise above!

Seek not so timid, if love’s what you seek.
Brave soldier, through dark passages go brave;
keep faith with us if love is what you’d keep.
Save for your passion, it’s your life you’ll save.

If you decide to hold back from “what if,”
retreat into your safety, let love go,
gifts forfeit; you’ll regret losing my gifts.
Row back to dock, go stand in shadowed row!

Had you only held what you might have had,
sad eyes would not be flowing rivers sad.

Author notes

Shadow Sonnet—An English style sonnet where the first and final words in each line are repeated. Iambic Pentameter. Intentional variations to meter in Lines 3, 5, 8, 11, 13.

This is my first attempt at this form. I think it needs revision and polishing, though it’s a decent effort for the additional requirements of this variation on the English Sonnet. Of course, your opinion may differ.

A note on Amera's comment ("I smiled at L10 as the shadowed words are not identical or homophonic. I think it’s impressive that you added your own twist to the form by using two words that are neither identical nor homophonic but simply mean the same. This variation tells me that you won’t let strict rules hamper your creativity and you simply use them as a guideline"):

I posted Line 10 as "retreat into your safety, let love go,". I am embarassed at receiving her praise for my cleverness and poetic bravery. When typing in this poem, I was too tired, wasn't reading my proofreading comments properly, saw "go back" in my notes, and automatically substituted a more complex and different word of the same meaning, "retreat." I forgot I was typing in a Shadow Sonnet. It's not beyond me, though, to wield my poetic license freely. And now that she's given me an idea...

Sonnet 9 of When You Were Mine

2009 June 14

In a list

All polite and critical commentary welcome and encouraged.

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • DesolatELifE
    August 14
    Edit | Reply
    Retreat and let go. Heh, I like that. I don't much like it in this sonnet, though, because the rest of the shadows are the same words. I like the idea for a whole 'meaning' wreath, though =]
    Apparently it's your first try. I'd say 'wow, that's brilliant for a first try', but I don't think it being a first try makes it any more impressive that it's written so well. Gosh, that almost sounds negative. Noo. Bloody brilliant, Peany!
    I like it very much indeed. I went over to your page, chose a list and chose a poem. I made a good couple of choices!


    • BearWoman gold member
      August 14

      Edit | Reply
      Thank you, peanut! I don't always know how to "read" your comments--glad you clarified.

      • DesolatELifE
        August 14

        Edit | Reply
        My comments are usually built with a touch of honesty that is based on thoughts that I share with myself. For that, the kindest of intentions can be seen as almost an insult. Tis why they sometimes go on for a while - a little rant and the explanation. If ever there is a rant, though, it at least means I care enough about the poem to rant.


        • BearWoman gold member
          August 14
          Edit | Reply
          I enjoy following your thought processes, actually, and appreciate the explanation(s) that follow.


  • Amera gold member
    July 4

    Edit | Reply
    I am thrilled that you have written a Shadow Sonnet. It isn’t a form that is easy to write and you embraced it with the heart of a true poet. The poem its self is beautiful and flowing.

    I smiled at L10 as the shadowed words are not identical or homophonic. I think it’s impressive that you added your own twist to the form by using two words that are neither identical nor homophonic but simply mean the same. This variation tells me that you won’t let strict rules hamper your creativity and you simply use them as a guideline. I’m saving this poem in my list of Shadow Sonnets so hopefully you will get many people to read it as the list is well placed on Google. Thank you for writing this lovely sonnet.

    Love,
    Amera♥

    • BearWoman gold member
      July 4
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much, Amera! As to Line 10...

      While I am not above such stretching of "rules" (and I do so frequently), in this case that was an unexpected change I made while being too tired when I was typing in the poem--and didn't catch what I did until I re-read it today. Though, given your reception of the results of my groggily applied poetic license (I'm glad now that I wasn't too alert then), you have given me an idea for future experimentation.

      Ooo *rubbing hands together gleefully*, I sooo love playing with forms.

      Thanks again. Working with this form you created was both a pleasure and a challenge.


  • MJ Donnelly gold member
    July 4
    Edit | Reply
    Lovely!

1 - 10 of 10