i watch the streets drown from up above where they don't see me, on metal poles, in open manholes, singing softly, blending in with the scenery. they don't see me, they don't look no, they don't care. their heads are down and i am high, i'm high and free, i'm flying and falling.
it's alright, the backbone breaks,
the buildings fall, expose the fakes,
they walk on without a sound
alone up here, down on the ground.
bright lights are shining, showing us what's underneath. in the black and in the blue they watch, they look for me not you. i'm a builder on a lunch break filled with promises of college, mates and barbeques on the fourth of july, their heads are down and i am high.
i am high.
i'm flying and i'm high.
Author notes
i apologise. i was listening to the song and then i sort of started rhyming for no reason in particular, and the flow is shit because its prose when its not meant to be. if i rhymed too much, feel free to dq me. wow this is bad. ahh!
constructive criticism PLEASE.
A contest entry
- here I dreamt I was an architect. by etoile.
2825 points, ended August 20, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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it's not bad at all, not one of your best, but still amazing. I do like the repetition and the rhyme threw me off at first, but it really grew on me the third time I read this. great job, and great take on the prompt.
goodluck and thanks for entering
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The first three paragraphs were a fantastic read, to me though the effect of repetition kind of fell flat. The rhyme feels very natural and lends a unique depth to the entire write. This is great inspite of you not intending to write it this way (i.e prose). Bravo!
Anansey -
dude, there is nothing wrong with this at all. (sorry i keep calling you dude.. its what i do now lol.. its haunting me.. (baha) lol. um.. yep). this is really good. once again, really original. and fantastic awesomeness as ususal.
*sigh* your prose rules all. -
I'm a huge fan of slant rhyme. I think it works quite well in this. I'm not all that good at writing prose, but I think you've pulled it off wonderfully.
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thank you (:
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wow.
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