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Untitled Haiku

The setting sun slips
like a copper coin into
the pocket of night.

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Comments


  • Arkbear gold member
    July 4

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    Hello

     

    Try to write a KU' without so many fillers -

     

    We already know it is *THE* setting sun -

     

    Never use *like*....as we already know it is being shown as a copper coin when you say it -

     

    We already know it is *THE* pocket, when you tell us......and it has to be *of the* night....so need to take up space telling us in words -

     

    No ned for punctuation or CAPS -

     

    Here is my suggestion..>>

     

     

    ~*~

    setting sun slips
    copper coin sets silently
    pocket of night

    ~*~

     

     

     

    Only my suggestion......good luck!

     

    Bear -


  • ScarsFade
    July 4

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    loooooooooooove it...this was such a sweet simple and solemn image i think i will keep it in my thoughts for awhile....very well written in such few words....well done...BRAVO!!...much <3....scars