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on moons we shouldn't have landed.




so it is not a road we travel
but an infinite space
with our own planets
and suns and
dying stars.

and they shoot and
you tell me you
have counted them all.
you know the number,
and maybe we are
unorthodox but
it is not for the
theologians to decide.

we practice our own
religion.

.

"how many?"
but you shake your head,
shed your clothes,
go swimming.

I won't join you,
i declare with
such defiance you
are impressed.

i am fully dressed.
you think i am
beautiful anyways.

.

we head whichever way
the world is tilted.
we slide,

our feet digging into the mud.

"you're no fun"
you joke but we both
know it is only part way
untrue.

i run and you are after me
and how unsubtly free we
feel. how real and sexual.

we are no longer
virgins.

.

we cross bridges
and build houses we
will never live in.
their walls are not
meant for storms.

we go on
like this for many nights,
the sheep we count have
quite some stamina.

they remind us that it
is just a matter of time.

that there's no crime
in admitting defeat.

.

you tell me that you
love me and i know
this really means
it is time to stop
floating weightlessly

on moons we shouldn't
have landed.

you tell me that you are
sorry and i cry because
everything is so much
heavier on earth.

.

we say goodbye and
just like that the
world is flat again.

there are no
deep slopes.
only hopes of
falling off.



"how many?"
but you shake your head.
you have to figure out
for yourself.

 

. 

 

 


you run

 

leaving me with

gravity
.

Author notes

Prompt:
lyrics from "Here I dreamt I was an architect" by the decemberists. Particularly the lines;

"But the angles and the corners
Even though my work is unparalleled
They never seemed to meet
This structure fell about our feet
And we were free to go"

"But you, my soiled teenage girlfriend
Or are you furrowed like a lioness
And we are vagabonds
We travel without seatbelts on
We live this close to death"

A contest entry

be honest. I won't put you on my ignore list. :)

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • etoile
    August 20

    Edit | Reply
    omg, this is seriously one of the best poems I've ever read.
    I love it, every single word really hit me and I love your take on the prompt.
    I don't really have anything else to say, or any criticism. this is just wonderful.
    I would've preferred you not use a line from the poem in the title, but the one you chose wasn't typically the ending or starting line like some people use. it's a very creative line so it didn't bother me that much.
    overall this is stunning. I love it.

    goodluck and thanks for entering


  • Not-The-Sun
    August 18

    Edit | Reply
    wow! you really took this prompt to something amazing "we practice our own religion" and "we head whichever waythe world is titled. we slide" the stanza about how houses with couples in them must be ready for storms really set up the second half of this piece, it got the reader ready for what was coming next. "everything is so much heavier on earth" is so sad the last stanza that begins "how many" and the last three lines are my favorite parts too and i think the ending is just amazing, honestly. thanks for sharing and best of luck in the contest!


  • Fourthaxis
    August 7

    Edit | Reply
    I loved the ending stanza. Nothing like being grounded to reality and getting pinned down by gravity. Kudos to you for penning such a fabulous write. Your reference to the theologians was supremely witty.
    "and i cry because
    everything is so much
    heavier on earth."
    What a brilliant sense of doom drips from this!! Bravo!

    Anansey


  • crivanea silver member
    July 16

    Edit | Reply
    Honestly? I have seldom read a poem
    of this length that has manage to capture my attention throughout the poem... This is wonderfully penned.. Like your style and will be reading more from you. ^_^


    • zillion
      July 16
      Edit | Reply
      I'm glad you enjoyed it. I have read much of your stuff as well and have found you very impressive. Plus, you hold good contests.


  • notorious gold member
    July 4

    Edit | Reply
    "and maybe we are
    unorthodox but
    it is not for the
    theologians to decide."
    !!!
    !!!
    It's so matter-of-fact and possessive...possessive in the sense of self-assurance, I guess. It's great.

    "you think i am
    beautiful anyways."
    I love that. It's...evocative.

    I give up on the detailed comment...
    whole thing was good.

    ;


    • zillion
      July 4
      Edit | Reply
      It's odd, but while I did listen to the prompted song, I wrote this poem mainly to the song "Hallelujah" sungb y Jeff Buckley. I love that song.

1 - 7 of 7