let's say the trigger tried to frame me
Or it was showing me it could run
Before walking
blood spilled but not by my own hands
It was the metal bird
What if the mistake tripped on me
Fell through clouds on someone real
The emergency bell will ring
and I'll have to run
Spin the bottle then fall asleep
imagine the rest to the soon coming lips
if you could do that then you can fill in the hole
that's in your stomach
everything can be the same if you can replace the truth
Nothing has to happen if I didn't shoot you
the four leaf clovers turn to three when I'm near
I don't believe in god's help but I need cracks in reality
so I can break it down and rest somewhere that's not here
I expect soon I'll be the fault in the wall
People will break me down to get to their place
To you mistakes are bigfoots that never happened
believing in them just make the weak weaker
its a human crime to think life is intentional
it'll happen in me and in you
the mistakes that breathe live in any mood
The pump in my blood happens on its own
the sky is blue cause it says so
I'm not a murderer for fun its just life's accent
it changes me inside for a reaction unwanted
I'll run like your blood
until all is forgotten
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A contest entry
- I'm lonely. by Horrific Hollis.
1600 points, ended August 29, 65 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - for my favorites only---ok now its for everyone by Shelby K.
800 points, ended August 26, 78 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Quickie # 29 of 37! Prewrites...I only want HM winners. No other trophies. by Beautiful-N-Broken.
460 points, ended November 22, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think?
Comments
1 - 41 of 41
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What if the mistake tripped on me
Fell through clouds on someone real
The emergency bell will ring
and I'll have to run
I liked this stanza the most. Thanks for the entry and good luck in the contest. -
wow....thats all i can say wow this peom is really good.... and deep....kinda like te cuts on my wrists....
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the four leaf clovers turn to three when I'm near
I don't believe in god's help but I need cracks in reality
i reread this three times. those are my favorite lines, though the whole thing is beautiful.
the only thing i'd change is that each stanza seems unconnected. however, it lends an interesting sort of collage feel to it, so maybe it doesn't need changing. -
Oh WOW. That was stunning. I love the word choice you used here. You did a fantastic job with this. The imagery was amazing.
Write on.
~*~SP~*~
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well done poet; i think my favorite verse of which there were many:
Spin the bottle then fall asleep
imagine the rest to the soon coming lips
if you could do that then you can fill in the hole
that's in your stomach
everything can be the same if you can replace the truth
Nothing has to happen if I didn't shoot you
it's an interesting concept....
and I gotta tell ya...until you've had a gun pointed to your head...
all the sudden the b.s disappears
and you get real honest!
ears/Seattle
way to write!
Glutton of Punishment Salute!
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This is a very well witten piece. Very good imagery. Keep up your great work!!!
TwiztidMaggot -
Your metaphors were very creative, but the word "brake" was irking me a little. "Break" is what happens when you bend a twig in half or toss a mirror down a flight of steps.
A "brake" is what you use to stop a car.
Beyond my grammar-nazi-ism, the beauty of this poem shines through. It's almost a refusal of the truth or refusal of blame...or maybe even a refusal of reality.
It gives the reader much to consider.
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so I can brake it down and rest somewhere that's not here
I expect soon I'll be the fault in the wall
People will brake me down to get to their place
- shouldnt it be 'break' here??
anyways...kinda nice write... -
I like how you've done this. Like others have already said I can't pick out a favorite line.
You have several that stays with me. Good luck in the contest. -
wow, this is great! the emotions are so beautiful and came across so powerful. i especially love the lines
the four leaf clovers turn to three when I'm near
I don't believe in god's help but I need cracks in reality
very very well written. great job
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'Nothing has to happen if I didn't shoot you' you have changed from presant day to past tense in that one sentance,
I fail to see how that matters..Because generally if nothing happened in the past it cant effect today, so this makes perfect sence to me..anyway..lol.. I really liked this write. I thought it was very well penned :0)
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I think the point of changing the tenses was to say, "I'm going to act like it didn't happen so I will not be to blame."
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either way, I like it :0)
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'Nothing has to happen if I didn't shoot you' you have changed from presant day to past tense in that one sentance,
'accent' is meant to be 'accident' I think as well that you could re-phrase this
'if you could do that then you can fill in the hole
that's in your stomach' because it doesn't flow as smoothly as the rest of the poem.
All in all the poem is a marvall, you should be proud of your write and I look forwards to reading more of your work!
Best of luck,
Gorecki -
Wow. I loved this. I loved this idea this total aspect. You gave me death, but spoke more of the emotion and the moment and the feeling. You told me everything, not just there was a death. This is amazing, what i've been looking for for a long time. =] Thank you.
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Great write with good choice of words and thought-provoking lines; I definitely love the first stanza as this can pull the reader to go in-depth with this piece . . .
. . . but it might get lost somewhere in the middle or maybe it's just me. I got lost at the fifth stanza but hey, something for me to chew on
All in all, this is a good piece: shows the persona's point of view descriptively in lovely words and the impact can leave the reader quite impressed
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This is a really good piece. Wonderful work!
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Smart piece here my friend
This was very artisticly done, wonderful imagination in this write. You have brilliantly put your mind inside a killers mind and wrote in such wise words and vey passionatly I might add which makes it somewhat scary lol. Well done my friend. Peace be wih you and many blessings unto you.
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This is sick. I like your choice of words. Evil thoughts are taking over my mind now. Thanks.
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brilliant!
wow I loved it! you have lots of talent here! -
I don't think I can add more praise than is already worthily heaped upon this piece, for it is one of intense raw emotion, and deep feeling. Well Done.
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Wow! Awesome! It was great!
Excellent Job!
Keep Writing!
-Crystal -
Wow...
This poem was amazing in the imagery and depth. It was well constructed giving off both feelings of contemplation and indifferenece to the situation. Lots of emotion and very deep.
~Sera
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I think every teenager has felt this way at some point in their life, I know I did. And even growing into adulthood, I still do. This was very emotionally jam packed, the images were raw and real. The only thing I would change is perhaps work on punctuation and grammar a bit, and there are a couple of spelling errors.. but no big deal, my poems are filled with them too.
everything can be the same if you can replace the truth
Nothing has to happen if I didn't shoot you
Yes, if only we could replace the truth...
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Great
So sad, descriptive and deep.
Favorite lines: the four leaf clovers turn to three when I'm near
Wow! Amazing line!
and..
The pump in my blood happens on its own
the sky is blue cause it says so
Overall grade: 8
Thanks for entering and nice write. -
Every human being is capable of committing murder, thank you for entering.
Sophie
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A visual write you have penned that marks a life of one young
yet young as you may be you have a strong voice of which should be listened too
Thanks and best wishes
Julie -
wonderful imagery.
thanks so much for sharing
this is amazing. -
Sorry Forgott To Appluad
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Amazing
I Cant Pick One Part I Like As I LOVE It All
Great Write -
"To you mistakes are bigfoots" -- there are lots of other good bits in here, but I like this the best. Although already mentioned, the last two lines are a great finish as well. I'm reminded of Secret Window: "I'm sure in time, her death will be a mystery even to me".
I like your style of writing, you've got a nice way of describing things. -
Lovely writing!
I love this poem, indeed. There is so much imagery and poetic ways of interpretation of the "murderer." Love it, dear. Keep up the good writing!!!! Inspirational!
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very nicely done. it's interesting and the rhyme is awesome. thank you so much for entering my contest and best of luck!
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Interesting read.
Kind of al over the place but I think that was intendid and you pulled it off well. -
Very well done
I must say this is in such depth of what ones mind often screams in times of the dark unexpalined crevisces of the mind the part no human being can decider yet it take son a hourney of its own at times leaving the human shell behind .Bravo
I rate the title a ten
I rate the form a ten
I rate the write as being one with such insite
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very powerful and well written u r a very great writier keep it up i love the metaphors and imagery!!
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Sorry, I forget the claps
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This piece is very well-written. This line is my favorite "the four leaf clovers turn to three when I'm near" fantastic though I hate doing this too you forget the apotheoses in "God's" I think.
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very strong finish to this poem. well written.
Remember to comment on everyone elses poem in the reading list please
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Welcome to AllPoetry!
This is a fantastic poem - I really like the distanced way that you have written this it is very well done and I agree with Mr. Alternative below - this definitely held my attention all the way through good luck in the contest!
Welcome to the site, I hope that you enjoy your time here at AllPoetry!
Polly
Site Greeter -
BRILLIANT!
"Let's say the trigger tried to frame me or it was showing me it could run before walking.". . . . ."The pump in my blood happens on its own the sky is blue cause it says so I'm not a murderer for fun its just lifes accent it changes me inside for a reaction unwanted. I'll run like your blood until all is forgotten." You held my attention from the beginning to the very end! I'm really slightly speechless right now! LOL! I'm astonished by your choreography of words at such an early age and early stage of you being writer! Extraordinary title, remarkable poem, vivid concept, honest, glamarous, and suberp wording! I really don't have anything to say, but I absolutley can't even imagine how good your writing will be within 3 to 5 to 10 years if you're already this good! What a powerful and thought-provoking work of art! Well crafted and brilliantly wriiten!
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