A letter to you

I'm sorry I hurt you
you probably don't even understand though
in five years you will probably still be asking,
'When is Becca coming home?'
and the answer will remain the same
'Never'

Dad once said after I ODed, what was he supposed to tell you when I was gone
I didn't know
that thought kept me alive for a long time
but now my time has come,
and though I still can't answer that question
he is the parent
he is the one with the answers
that's actually one reason i can't stay any longer
i don't have the answers
and 'tweety' is going to be here very soon.
I keep thinking maybe I should wait
then you could grow up having a little sister
something you never had, i mean you already have a nephew
so why not give you a new experience
I'm not sure if dad would do that though
care for her
it might be too much of a reminder
and i know that i wouldn't want that reminder around the house all day

again you probably don't understand any of this
and i'm sorry
though I'm not really sure if I'm sorry for you not understanding or if I'm sorry for you missing me

I once heard on the radio of this girl, she was kind of like you.
She lost her mother when she was a young teen, though she was still watching barney and she had the same routine everyday.
Her mother made her a tape and the little girl watched it everyday after she was gone.
It was the only way she remembered who her mother was. After about a year of watching this tape everyday, her older brother and father thought it was time to move on. They quit putting the tape in and the girl never said anything about her mother again.
I wonder if that would be something you do.
completely forget about me if I'm no longer there.
I'm already gone, but I don't know if you've noticed yet.
You were always good with knowing when someone was sad or mad, even if you didn't know what to do in that situation. But it's different now, I've left, moved out, and now I'm leaving for good.
And the saddest thing is, the last thing I remember when I was with you is you getting yelled at for not brushing your teeth.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, But I can't keep hurting myself. Hopefully one day you will understand.