in life don't expect everything to stay
in the end me & you will fade away
memory's we will loose over time
then all together we will perish
we want to stay here on earth
age has made use sick and unstable
we cross the border of life , enter a new world
never going back , not even trying
like it's against our will
memory's lost , body's perish
what happens when people who care wait
they keep waiting for that person to come back
somehow they believe that they had never left
think it's only temporary , like an adventure or journey
not to be breaking there dreams
they had died & there's no bringing them back
photo's & your memory's are just a shard of them
just get rid of it before your to attached to them
if you loved them this is necessary
it's for the best , or you might do something crazy
they don't want you to die to visit them
they want you to live & to be happy for you having a life
don't throw it away like the first person did
always remember they are a star in the sky
so whenever you feel sad or lonely
just look up & remember they're smiling face
for now that should be enough to get you through
atleast till you find something someone new to keep you going
Author notes
randomwrite , sorry if it doesn't make sense
<3
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Originality – 7/10 -- that last stanza especially was cliche
Cohesion - 7/10
Imagery/Metaphor – 5/10
Flow/Structure – 7/10
Diction/Verbiage - 2/5
Grammar/Spelling- 1/5
Rules Followed - 5/5
Emotion – 2/5
Syntax – 4/5
Title – 2/5
Reaction – 2/5
Overall Opinion – 1/5
Total: 43/80
Your grammar was a complete distraction and the mistakes lessened your piece, in my opinion. Here are some grammatical pointers:
-When making a noun proceded by a consonant [like memory] plural, you drop the 'y' and add 'ies'-- 'memories' is the correct plural of 'memory.' If the noun ends in a consonant, like 'car,' you add an 's'-- 'cars.' There is no need for an apostrophe! There's a good website on pluralisation of nouns right here: http://www.virted.org/grammar/singpluralhome.html
-THERE is used generally for locations, or to tell what is somewhere-- "I put the book over there" or "There is a fox in my garden."
-THEIR is a possessive-- "Their nan died in a car wreck."
-THEY'RE is a contracted form of "they are"-- "They're on their way to the shop."
Some careful editing could do you some good. Thanks for auditioning, and let me know if you ever want a more in-depth critique or an explanation of my grading.
-endymion -
man that was awesome
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wow its great
it makes perfect sense to me...its tru some ppl hold to past memories and live a life of illusion bcause they got too attach to a picture...nothing last for ever...
this poem is great
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Nothing, and no one ever lasts forever, yet we will drown ourselves in denial to avoid accepting this fact of creation.
The last half of the last line seems somehow off.
I mean it is true that this is what we do to patch the hole in our hearts, but some how it just doesn't seem to align with what the ret of the write conveys.
Aside from that, an excellent write, sad and grevious in well expressed feeling, but an excellent write none the less.
-cheers
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thanks & I guess your right , i'll probably think of something else to put there soon to fix it.
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Mayhaps instead of changing the whole line, you could maybe just change "someone" to "something".
Cause saying someone makes it seem like you are abandoning the memory of the one your missing. -
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that would work : )
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Look forward to reading more in the future.
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This is REALLY good! I don't think its random at all, I really enjoyed this write! Keep writing! (:
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thanks (:
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