Panic rising in the pit of my stomach
Like bitter black coffee threatening to overflow
The rim of a cup
He's gone to a place I'll never find
Somewhere in the middle of the cold November rain
Maybe I'm better off alone
In the middle of this cold November rain
Pouring down on me as I sit on the concrete
Waiting for you to change your mind
I trace my fingers in the puddles that surround me
Everything feels like sandpaper without you
Each raindrop forming on the edge of the pregnant clouds
Growing heavy and fat, then falling to the ground
Plink.
I guess winter got the best of us this year
Author notes
Prompt: Novemeber Rain by Guns & Roses
Thanks for reading
A contest entry
- ~November Rain~ by Daxteriana.
1000 points, ended July 15, 8 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
<3?
Comments
1 - 37 of 37
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Great description of the rain! "pregnant clouds" and i love how you end the poem with a simple "Plink" that goes back to the title of the poem. Great write
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=)
I LOVED the last line. =) You write beautifully, and I'm pretty impressed. =)
I also really liked the line "each raindrop forming on the edge of the pregnant clouds." Not something I've heard before, which is always good.
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You got so much great stuff going on here. Amazing imagery, i was in the poem
The title that you used fit perfectly. Just a terrific job through and through you deserved gold
But just my opinion, loved it. Much love and good luck
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Each raindrop forming on the edge of the pregnant clouds.
That line is just gold-worthy.
NICE.
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Wow, thanks!
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this would be a beautiful song!
Everything feels like sandpaper without you
Each raindrop forming on the edge of the pregnant clouds
Growing heavy and fat, then falling to the ground
Plink.
I love that!!
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Wow this was really good.. You have talent! I really enjoyed reading it, think i will go back and read more of your stuff! Thanks for sharing!
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Great song as I remember. An equally good poem.
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thank you (:
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"Everything feels like sandpaper without you"
Love the choice of words here... Very creative... It's like that one person is a drug that numbs you from the roughness of the world...
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Wow, thats so true. I never thought of it like that, thanks for your kind words (:
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Such a good right but so so sad.
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Wow!!
I love the choice of words you used in this poem!
A part of me can relate to this poem quite well (if that makes any sense
)
It is very passionate and emotional and I personaly think that's what completes a poem!
I find this a very clever poem and I love everything about it.
Yet again thanks for sharing
And keep on writing!
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The heaviness conveyed so poetically...
everything feels broken..
one person effects so many lass...
the nausea from finality...
so sad.....
it was written well,
captivating and heartfelt.
Bless your heart
little gypsy,
Liam
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That's a great piece of work for one so young. I'm sure you hear that all the time. Congratulations on the "bronze" it's well deserved.
Happy trails.
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very nice i love it. wow to be such a good writer at such a young age i wish i had that talent great write keep it up.
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Aww, thank you. And you are very talented! Your poems are AMAZING!
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beautiful.
beautiful.
beautiful write: ) -
I love the words "pregnant clouds" hehehe :]
great write..I love that song, too, and this poem reflected it well.
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hehe, thank you!
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Very Nice
this is a very nice write. i like the pace of the poem.
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Choice write
I liked the imagery there
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Poet
Interesting piecec of writing. A different way of saying that a certain coldness and taken over. well done young poet.
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I see the gloomy part to this. Congratulations on the trophy, well deserved. Thank you for sharing.
~~Iridessa~~
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You don't have enough sense to get out of the rain, but this poem is pretty good.
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I love the song "November Rain" by Guns'n'Roses
Here you have made a great job done
you have made the emotion more poised and every single part of the song is more attractive
yes it is true its not easy to work on something really famous
because that restrict us from thinking different
but yours is different with same class
i wish you keep writing the good ones always
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Beautiful. Though I never heard the song...
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I like that song. Nicely penned.
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A very enjoyable read. I like the fact that you didnt feel the need to rhyme as it is beautiful the way it is. Very nice flow that pulls the readers in and keeps them interested. The only problem I have, and it is a tiny one, is in line 7. I believe you meant to put the word the between in and middle. A simple mistake but felt I should point it out as this is a truly wonderful contest entry and would hate for you to miss out on a trophy due to a simple slip. I love th ending...
Plink
I guess winter got the best of us this year.
Perfect ending to an amazing poem. Anyway, great job here and best of luck in the contest.
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Wonderful
you did great with this one. So well crafted and expressive. best of luck in the contest.
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Wow. That was really amazing. You did such a fantastic and unexpected job with the prompt given. I love the word usage and the awesome imagery. Best of luck in the contest.
Write on.
~*~SP~*~
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I really like the descriptions you've used here. The idea you've presented is real and tangible. However, I might suggest giving your flow another look because I sensed a bit of a tripping sensation... partially due to the conflicting fact that some of it rhymes and some of it doesn't. . . keep workin' it though, you've got something good going on here.
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it was very... idk a word. i somewhat understood its purpose and the only thing is that if two lines rhyme, then the next two should too.
"Panic rising in the pit of my stomach
Like bitter black coffee threatening to overflow
The rim of a cup
He's gone to a place I'll never know"
overflow and know rhyme. if those rhyme then the next part should rhyme too.
"Somewhere in the middle of the cold November rain
Maybe I'm better off alone
In middle of this cold November rain
Pouring down on me as I sit on the concrete"
alone and concrete are far from rhyming. you might not of noticed it, but everyone can not find things. I usually find flaws after the object is done, mainly in my poetry. that might not of caught you eye, but it did mine. other than that, it's really good.
good luck in my contest!
Dax
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Oh lol. I wasn't trying to make it rhyme, I just wrote haha XD
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o. i do that too. that's why i find things after they've been published.
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Ah, well thank you (:
I'll work on it -
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ok.
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