Sandstorm
dusts away
footprints on beachfront,
stealing back ocean's bed.
You leave with sunset,
but moonlight
cradles the thirsty surf.
By dawn,
tide pools
tickle between my toes,
and I blink away
Morpheus' pull,
not minding the sun
much.
A contest entry
- "I don't mind the sun sometimes, The images it shows-I can taste you on my lips and smell you in my clothes ....." by JinSays.
1001 points, ended July 14, 3 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Suggestions?
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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beautiful imagery.
thanks so much for entering. -
I know being succinct is often being more powerful, but I think perhaps the first stanza is too compact, too tight. It's a little difficult to say. Maybe something like this would work better:
beachfront footprints
are dusted away
by a sandstorm.
Even then, it's bordering on tongue-twister.
The line 'leave with sunset' doesn't have as much magic as I would have liked. Maybe you could have mentioned something about 'you' being swept out with the tide...
Regardless of my small suggestions here, this piece of poetry is very awesome indeed. Your imagery is stunning, and except for that one sunset line your poem is jam-packed and overflowing with imagery. Your poem brings a lot to the poem.... if that makes any sense at all.
And I love how 'much' gets a new line at the end. An afterthought, something small tagged on which adds just that little bit more.
Thanks for entering!
DancingRed.
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Very pretty, thank you love.
jin -
Fine lines these:
You leave with sunset,
but moonlight
cradles the thirsty surf.
I believe the entire write fits well together.
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Sounds beautiful.
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Wonderful
Very creative and well done. Another fabulous write. Best of luck in the contest.
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Very nicely crafted this little gem, I would say I did quite enjoy reading it.
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How very lovely!
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