"what I can remember
is a lot like water
trickling down a page
of the most beautiful colors
I can't quite put my
finger down on the moment
that I became like ... this"
My life is a scratch board with different shades of black and ever changing colors underneath. Most people have never seen every hue or how I've changed from purple to blue. How I ended up purple, I can't trace back to the exact moment, or general time. I know when I went from lavender to plum. I know when I went from plum to sky blue. And how I'm now changing slowly to navy. Everything has been a slow fade, blurred with time.
"you see, I'm the bravest girl
you will ever come to meet
and yet I shrink down to nothing
at the thought of someone
really seeing me
I think my heart is wrapped around
and tangled up in winding weeds"
Maybe I started hiding when I was six, maybe eleven. Always appearing like nothing in the world ever hurt me, like I never felt like dying. If I allow someone to see I never show it all, never explain the reason behind that puke yellow. I wonder if I did would you still want me? I'm not as strong as I look, I'm not as hard, I'm not as held together. I'm just like you, scared. Maybe even more.
"but I don't wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my.. imperfections
even though my feet are trembling
and every word i say comes stumbling
I will bare it all.. watch me unfold
unfold"
My book is slowly opening, the invisible ink carefully fading, the white out scraping away. Showing select pages and trying not leave out too many details. Learning that I don't have to be perfect to be liked, to be wanted. Learning that I don't need to be perfect to be happy. That it's okay to be human, and not a shell.
"these hands that I hold
behind my back are
bound and broken by my own doing
and I can't feel
anything, anymore
I need a touch to remind me
I'm still real.."
Most of my carefully organized chaos jumbled inside my heart is conceived by my own fist. Boiling there far too long inside my electric fences only to be released at prescheduled times, and only viewed at my selected discretion. And I've become grey, and lifeless. I wonder where the girl with a flair for life went. Now just a shell of her, performing all the actions she did. But she's really not there. Where did she go?
"my soul
it's dying to be free
I can't live the rest of my life
so guarded
it's up to me to choose..
what kind of life I lead."
Realization has dawned that if I'm ever going to be free I've got to break down the walls around those things I'd rather no one see. I've come a long way, but I've got so much farther to go. And I'm terrified of the road ahead. I wonder if I'll ever explain the puke yellow. Or the forest green. Someday I'm going to have to, and take whatever comes with it. Are you sure you'd still want me? Are you sure you would be able to say I love you when I'm done? But this is my life, and I've only got one, I've already spent so much time wasting it...
"cause I don't wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my.. imperfections
even though my feet are trembling
and every word I say comes stumbling
I will bare it all.. watch me unfold
unfold"
Watch me pick all my locks, watch me open all the doors, and I won't organize what comes pouring out. I won't disguise what I can't hide. I won't cry and then ignore waiting for it to go away back behind those doors. I'll burn the the doors, and melt the keys. There will be no turning back from here. Watch as I scatter all the pieces of myself on the floor.
"I will allow someone to love me
I will allow someone to love me...
love me.. love me..."
What are you so afraid of? What are you so afraid of? What are you so afraid of? Why are you so afraid to let people love every last bit of you? Why are you so afraid of receiving love but not giving it?
Author notes
The italicized quotes are from a song called Unfold by Marie Digby it basically describes a big chunk of me.
A contest entry
- ♥Prose&Freeverse♥ by Antebellum.
650 points, ended July 5, 48 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PRWRITE CONTEST FOR ALL by serenity silvermoon.
900 points, ended August 2, 1023 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think?
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
-
I love you no matter what, you can always talk to me about anything at all no matter how little or how big it is, how unimportant or how important it is, and how terrible or how not-terrible it is. You can trust me with anything, I will always be here for you, to listen, to care, and to help in any way I am able to. You are my sister and the best one I've ever had. You have always been there for me when I needed someone and I will return the favor.
I like how you have the song with the poem mixed, a verse and then your own poem, another verse and then more of your poem. It really adds to the readers' experience when reading it.
I love you sissy.
Grace.♥.
-
By the way...
Great Job on this work! I really learned a few things over! Uncle Shaker -
Perplexing thought
it's a question and an answer. You write with wisdom beyond your age. You have seen it all, yet you have seen so little. Your life is just beginning. Though you feel you have experienced almost everything,.good and bad. I'm sorry you feel so lost. I wish I could spare you the torment you feel at times, but I can't. You see it's part of the growing cycle. Don't know how long it will last. It's different for everyone and some of us skip in and out all or lives. We all feel lonely and unnecessary, every now and again. The test here isn't if you know the sadness, but of how you pull your boot straps up and climb out of it or not! You got the ability, I know it and you know it. I'm scared everyday, but I have to look it in the eyes, do the best I can do, Be the best I can be (that ain't even close to perfect). Then make it enough to hold my head up high! You're the best niece a man could have and DON"T YOU EVEV FORGET IT! I love ya, Uncle Shaker
-
Most of my carefully organized chaos jumbled inside my heart is conceived by my own fist. Boiling there far too long inside my electric fences only to be released at prescheduled times, and only viewed at my selected discretion. And I've become grey, and lifeless. I wonder where the girl with a flair for life went. Now just a shell of her, performing all the actions she did. But she's really not there. Where did she go?
I LOVE THIS
but this part especially
it defines me. haha
:]
-
-
Thanks!
-
-
Love It!
Yeesh, wow, I love this. And a little ouch as well. This strikes a chord and is very well written indeed, especially the earlier paragraphs. Very well done, keep writing and please produce more like this. You may even have inspired me to write an 'answer' to it.
-
So LOVE IT
I love how you explain the song with your own discription and I loved reading it. It remind's me of a younger me with the walls and shells I held on myself. Some never have come down yet but its a work in progress. NICE JOB!
-
"
What are you so afraid of? What are you so afraid of? What are you so afraid of? Why are you so afraid to let people love every last bit of you? Why are you so afraid of receiving love but not giving it?
"
this part is wonderful.
[the "" areas I can relate to as well]
thanks for entering. -
Oh wow kiddo this was wonderful a great job
you have said a lot here and put very deep thought into this great job darling be well.
-
i agree, definatly something else. and i really like the way you wrote it. it seems like you really are trying to pour your heart out and you did a good job.
i love you. -
This was something else. I like how you did this.
Adding your comment:
1 - 11 of 11
