Ghostly laughter billows like fog.
Up the broken, painted steps,
Tumbles with weak, dispirited knees.
Creeping shadows from the eaves
Shades the fingerprinted railing;
Barricaded sun slumps at the door.
Flowers' scent blocked by folding knees
Adorned with rust-flecked wounds.
The tide rolls in, pensive and cold
Pins the sand, makes it heavy
Like the abandoned hearts
That rot on orphanage windowsills.
Author notes
The word prompts I used were: Nest, Iron, Retreat and Seashells.
A contest entry
- lately, i'm not dreaming. by deadpixie020.
3500 points, ended July 15, 23 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Oh my gosh! What a treat to read this poem so packed with images and feelings..my face was turned into a twisted grimmace of disbelief the whole time I read it...The last lines of each stanza are my favorites, and I also love the flow and random rhyme. Tnanks for commmenting on mine so I could find yours
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An excess of knees
It's OK, but the last line demands something before to justify it -a little rhyme with 'sills' perhaps. It would be intriguing to have three readers separately say exactly what it is saying -plainly, it is not just mood. It lacks clarity. My view.
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I agree on the utilization of knees twice in the poem. I hadnt actually noticed that before. The entire poem is free-verse so I wasn't going to rhyme with window-sill in the end.
If it does lack clarity, then I've done my job. Everything I've written has a meaning to me and often times the reader gets a different interpretation, which I enjoy because it means more than just one thing.
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Outstanding
This is an amazing write with great imagery, good meter and flow. Well done and keep up the good work!!
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good one
a well chosen title and a nice selection of theme..... i like poetry on social issues.... only if u could have drawn it a little longer.... it would have appealed to me even more. -
You know, I don't usually like short poetry, but I love this. There's so much in it -- I can hear the laughter, see the steps and railing... and the last stanza is absolutely amazing. Every time I clicked on this poem I would be unsure, you know, 'cause it was short, but then I read it and every time I'm like daaamn, this is gorgeous. I'm trying to put at least one constructive thing in each comment so let's see... In the first stanza, I think it would be more effective if you didn't use shadows twice, but changed the second one to something more descriptive. Also, in the second stanza, I think you could delete the 'Heavy' in the second to last line and it would work just as well. That's about all I can think of for constructive criticism though! This was beautiful.
great write and good luck!
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