I don't know what else to say. I have succumbed to drinking to make it through my days. It's okay though. It's legal. As long as I'm at home. The pills I've been given are at best, minimal at relieving heart pain. Not that anyone cares, I almost don't care. But I'm not quite there yet. I'll keep trying.
I'm fascinated by the most dark hearted things, but yet, inside, I'm as sensitive and tender as a melting snowflake. I grope at demonic things and confess to be Christian. I confuse myself.
I wonder about a lot of things. Such as, if I'm a Christian, how and why do I levitate towards things that are Satanic? If God knows all things, such as who is going to make it to Heaven or not, then what is the point of even trying? And don't answer with the free will bullshit because that still doesn't answer my question. If God knows the future of all of us, even before we are born, then what is the fucking point of free will?!
I'll be back, I'm going to take another shot.
I saw the most beautiful girl today. I was at the gym and this girl with Down Syndrome came in. She smiled at me and I smiled and waved at her. What I noticed most was her mother had put lipstick on her. Very lightly, mind you. She had light brown hair, almost blonde, and she was happy. She was sincerely happy because she knew nothing else. To her, everything was as it should be... innocent. What I would give to be her for a lifetime. So many people laugh and mock people with Down Syndrome but I don't know why. In my opinion, they are very beautiful people. Maybe that's why they mock them. Jealousy? Perhaps, they wish they could be so oblivious to the bad things life dishes out? At any rate, I saw her and I wanted so badly to become her friend. To let her know that she was someone worth being friends with. My life has had so many downs that it has hardened my heart to almost everything. I'm cold. It only took her to make me realize that if she, in her condition, could enjoy life, there was no reason why I couldn't. I don't know her name. I may never see her again, but I will carry her in my heart and love her, nonetheless, until I know nothing else.
My father is dying. I've been informed of this information and I don't know how to deal with it. He molested me. Yet, I love him. I love him and wish that those things had never happened. He's dying and is asking for me to come see him. I want so badly to go to him as a daughter, but I'm scared of how he sees me. Am I his daughter or his fuck toy? I love him. He is my daddy. I want to do the right thing. What is the right thing? Are any of you able to tell me what is the right thing to do?
My days and nights have become a confusion. I'm afraid to fall asleep. Will Jonny do to me the same thing that has been done to me in the past? I can only hope not. I know that I will go to see my daddy. Will Jonny use this as an opportunity to do what Kevin has done? If so, I still have to see my daddy, even if he, (Jonny) does. Because I have to let my daddy know that regardless, I loved him, despite all those things he did. I loved him and still love him. He needs to die in peace. I would want to die in peace, because what comes after my death may not be so peaceful.
I have a terrible feeling that after I post this and come back to read it, it won't make a fucking bit of sense, but woe are the ways of a soon to be habitual drunk. I'm going to piss and then take another shot...
I'm in love with Absolut vodka. It's sexy. I buy large lemons and cut them anywhere between 10 and 12 wedges, depending on how large the lemon is. I keep up with how many shots I have by counting how many wedges of lemon I have left. I'm afraid of addiction, you see, so if I keep my shots down to as many wedges of lemons I have, I should do alright.
My mother has been in touch with me, as well as my brother. It hurts so badly, I don't know what to do with the pain. I'm at the point of admitting myself into the hospital. I doubt they would take me though. I'm one percent too sane to be admitted. Fucking, fuckers. Fuck them.
Landon. He comes to me every night in my sleep. I love him. I say this to you, the one reading this, in hopes of him hearing me in some mystic way...
I love you, Landon. I may never see you again, as long as you or I are alive, but I love you! Despite what your father or anyone else may say, I LOVE YOU. Know this, I tried so hard and lost. I did not give up on you, I was forced by your sick father to give up. He would have ass raped you to prevent me from getting custody of you. I did not want that. So for you're sanity and safety, I gave up. You may never understand, but I would rather you not be tortured on account of me. Please, forgive me.
I'm going now. I don't know that any if this makes any sense. I don't care of any of this makes sense. It doesn't change the fact that I still took the time to feel whatever it is I'm feeling and type it out for you to judge.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Interesting
I wish life was easer
if it was, anyone could do it well
Sometimes tomorrow, is out best day ever
I read several of your verses
you did well to make the words, for you
Be blessed in all you do, Rick
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Thank you.
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Given this is two months old, you may have already made your decision with your father but I'll offer up an opinion. You need to do what is best for you in these situations and not what you think is best for him. If he did the things you mention in this, he doesn't deserve to die knowing you forgive him. He gets to live with the consequences of his actions. That said, if you want to forgive him and tell him, then this is your opportunity. Once he is gone, you will have to live with your decision on that. Do what works for you and your happiness.
As for "free will"... The point of it is that you get to choose your destiny. You get to decide what you will do in situations. Just because the outcome is known to "God" ahead of time, doesn't mean you have any less choice in the matter. Even if you knew the results ahead of time, you still have free choice. In the case of your father, you can choose to tell him he is forgiven and he will die happy. Or you can choose to tell him he isn't forgiven and he will die unhappy. You know the possible results in advance. Even knowing he will die miserable for knowing he is unforgiven, you can still choose that option. Anyway, I hope you find peace in whatever you decide. -
I'm sorry for your loss and pain... I hope you find peace and love 
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Thank you. It means a lot.
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Your questions concerning god are the very ones i have always asked myself. if he knows the future of every object in existance does that just make us his playthings? have we been given the illusion of free will because it is more ammusing for him? and what sort of god allows something like this to happen yet professes to be the ultimate embodiment of love? what kind of person worships such a god? i was raised in church. my mother was and still is a sunday school teacher. yet i, like You i have always been drawn to things dark and demonic. for me it is because religion is just a mechanism for pulling puppet strings. i'd just as soon cut said strings and control myself.
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wow i almost feel like ive just intruded into ur life.. i am so sorry for ur loss, i hope ur son died in peace. i really hope u see ur dad at least for ur own sake, it must be so confusing to still love him.
if u ever need to talk or anything just message me and i will listen
take care
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Thank you.
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I know what it feels like to drown the pain of the past in alcohol and drugs. Look at my work and it won't take you long to realize it. Molestation... is hard for me to talk about. I feel for you. I'm also in the midst of a custody battle for my beautiful little girls, so yeah. You hit me square in the heart with this one.
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I saw your beautiful girls. They are so gorgeous. I regret what I was forced to do. I fought for two and a half years with the bastard to let me have my son and the accusations were becoming worse and worse until finally my own lawyer said it would probably be best to just sign them over to him because it was getting sick, the things he would say and I did fear that he would rape my son and turn around and say it happened while he was in my custody.
It's a long story. 2 years long. But when your lawyer says we've done all we could do... what do you do?
I hope everything works out for you. Just keep fighting as hard as you can.
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Did you talk to Johnny about perhaps calling me?
Talk to me Kristie. What's on your mind? Well, obviously, all of that's on your mind...but you know you can talk to me about anything. I'm worried for/about you. I'm sure you don't want me to worry, and who knows, maybe me worrying makes you feel worse...but it shouldn't! People care about you! Johnny cares, Landon cares, I care, all of us at AP care.
Message me. Tell me what's wrong. -
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My daddy is dying and is wanting me to come see him before his exit out. I want to go see him but I don't know if I can handle it. I feel like I'm just drifting away into nowhere. I'm farther away than I have ever been and I'm alone in this decision. Yes, I have talked to him (Jonny) about calling you and he still says the same thing. He's scared. I understand in one way and in another way, I'm sort of resentful, but, he loves me and takes wonderful care of me and I respect his wishes and blah blah blah...
I'm starting to act not so much like me anymore and that scares me. I'm starting to become a more feeling person than I wish to be, yet, I should be. It's a human thing to do. I don't want to feel though. -
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I'm gonna be totally honest here: I think you should go see him. I know you Kristie, and I know you're gonna forever regret not seeing him before he dies if you wind up staying home. Even though you hate what he did to you, and all the bullshit he put you through, you need to go see him. Maybe doing so will allow you to forgive him, and to put all the pain he put you through behind you for good. I don't want to see you hurting so much and to turn to drinking to make it go away...my old man did the same thing and all it did was hurt those around him, as well as himself, even more.
I know it's painful. I know what that self-loathing and self-doubting is like. I really do, but you gotta push yourself through it. Life sucks sometimes, and sometimes it sucks more for some people than others. What you're going through now is, I suppose, a trial. Now, I've never liked the idea of a god putting people through trials, but that's basically what this is whether we like it or not. I know you have the strength to pull through this. I'm not saying this as just typical motivational-seminar bullshit. I'm being deadly serious here, and I think you know that.
I understand Johnny's desires, but in all honesty? I think he should trust you in this case. He loves you, and you love him. You both know that. If he's scared of me having some ulterior motive, I can understand that, but all I want is for you to be happy and I think being able to unload over the phone might help more than sitting at a computer typing away. I know you don't want to go against his wishes or make him angry or anything, but really, I think it's your decision. It's up to you.
That said, I'm not trying to pressure you and I definitely don't wanna break you guys up...Christ, I have a girlfriend of my own now!
If you choose not to, that's cool. If you do, great. If nothing else, we can tease each other about how we sound.
But yes, in my humble opinion, you should go see your dad. I know he hurt you terribly more times than you care to remember. But you said it yourself, you love him, and forgiving him may well lift some of the huge weight sitting on your shoulders.
You're my best friend and I love you.
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