[mind]
flashbacks sent through lightning bolts
hit the walls of my skull and tears you
swore would never fall have left behind
their mark and your betrayal. you said that
you would never let the walls around me
close in, but now i'm suffocating.
[body]
i've overdosed. all i can remember is ivs
hooked up to my veins and pumping
out memories of what we had. vital signs
show that without you i don't have the
possibility of lasting very long, and i can feel
it.
[soul]
i've made a circle, and backtracked into my
old habits. it's been said you should not fall
unless you're for certain that you will be caught.
but the feeling of knowing no one's going to
break my fall is like waiting for you to love me.
either way, i know none of it will happen.
Author notes
this is not the best of my ability..
A contest entry
- roundtwo; collapse inside yourself. by dieu..
700 points, ended July 16, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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wow [again] in the depths here... this one is poking my cheek with a knife, just could relate i spose. Love it!:]
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personally, i didn't really like the line breaks.
also, your grammar is off in places.
swear would never fall have left behind --> swore would never fall have left behind
iv's --> ivs
maybe take out the 'them' in the second line of [body]
backtracked is one word.
no ones --> no one's
the last line doesn't make sense.
it should either be:
either way, i know neither of them will happen.
or
either way, i know none of it will happen.
or
either way, i know neither will happen.
i also feel like you could have used more imagery instead of saying everything literally.
that's where you lost the 2.5 marks.
having said all of that, there are some amazing lines in this and you have a real talent for showing emotion through your writing.
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i agree... with tons of this..
i'm not a star when it comes to line breaks whichh is why it frustrates me when i attempt them. and with imagery... there's always room for improvement
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7.5/10
if you'd like a more in-depth comment/analysis, message me.
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8.5/10.
i know you're still writing,
but this is beautiful so far.
if it improves or gets worse as you continue,
i'll change my judge, but i doubt it'll get worse,
and it's rare to find anything better than what you have so far. <33 -
lightening --> lightning
sorry, pet peeve
tears you
swear would never fall have left behind
their mark and your betrayl.
i looove that, but maybe change swear to swore
and betrayl --> betrayal.
this is amazing so far!
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